Ask Beastly: Sex Is More Than Cumming

Two readers are having a hard time blowing a load during sex.

My name is Alexander. My nickname is Beastly. I write about sex.

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I’m a 49-year-old gay Latin male. My question is, I am experiencing difficulties cumming when I’m being asked to cum. I want to know if you have a technique that will help me take my mind out of it. I’m seeing a guy that I really like, but every time we are having sex and he started asking me to give it to him I get anxious to cum and I can’t, even after I pulled it out and masturbate, it’s like my dick is super hard but doesn’t want to culminate the act. And I feel frustrated because I like this guy a lot and I want to please him and make him feel good and enjoy our time together. 

Hi friend,

I love cum as much as the next guy, but shooting a load on or in someone is not the "culmination" of sex. The older we get, people with penises often have increased difficulty ejaculating, and there are many medical and emotional reasons why. Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked? Have you been screened for prostate cancer? (Not trying to be alarmist, but cancer is always a potential reality.)

You may be struggling with delayed ejaculation, ejaculatory inhibition, retrograde ejaculation, or the inability to reach orgasm (anorgasmia). Any of these conditions can be a side effect of medication, prostate surgery, or some underlying health condition. But don't ask me — I'm not a doctor. I don't know your medical history, and you should talk to your doctor before doing anything else. Your doctor will be able to tell you if something you're taking might be affecting your ability to cum (antidepressants are notorious for doing this).

I can help with the problematic way you view ejaculation — as the "culmination" of sex. If cumming is the culmination of sex, all the great sex out there that doesn't involve ejaculation must be garbage, eh? That would discount a lot of incredible sex to be had in the world.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you are feeling pressure when he says he wants you to cum. Tell him this pressure is potentially keeping you from actually cumming. Performance anxiety may not be the issue behind your inability to cum, but it's certainly not helping you.

I would wager that the vast majority of men experience performance anxiety in sex, particularly around our penises (our size) and our ability (to cum, to stay hard, to keep going, and on and on). I've certainly felt this performance anxiety countless times in my sex life. A partner pressuring me, asking me to deliver one specific thing, would not help.

You are understandably frustrated because you are unable to deliver what you believe he wants. And if cum is all he wants — a load, nothing more — he can get that from any anonymous top on the internet. But if he wants you — if he values sex with you as a person — he'll be willing to explore other forms of sex and do what's necessary to make you feel comfortable and pleased. If he loves you, he'll stop pressuring you to perform.

Your question does not detail whether or not you have any trouble cumming when you masturbate, so I'll assume you are able to ejaculate when you enjoy your solo time. When we privately masturbate, there's no pressure or performance anxiety — we're alone and comfortable. If he's pressuring you and you feel performance anxiety, you're decidedly not comfortable. By asking you to cum, he's potentially creating more anxiety and less pleasure in your sex.

Sex is more than ejaculation. It is, in fact, more than orgasm, more than an erection, more than penetration. Sex is exploration and experimentation, gamble and risk, breath and touch, domination and submission. There are many non-penetrative forms of sex. There are many people who enjoy sex who do not orgasm. There are many guys who enjoy sex with an erection. The script of how you think sex should happen — penetration, fucking, ejaculation — ignores the reality that not everyone can do these things. (When I was new to HIV, I enjoyed many non-penetrative kinks which posed no risk of HIV transmission and did not involve any bodily fluids.) If the script is stressing you out, scrap it! Try something else!

Experiment with prostate stimulation, which generally produces stronger orgasms than penis stimulation, or my personal favorite — anal orgasms. Explore the intense power of touching, kissing, and intimacy and worry less about orgasm. The pressure to "finish," as some say, can destroy the mental, emotional, and intimate aspects of sex.

We must liberate sex from the confines of fluids and performance and acknowledge that there are many ways to experience pleasure — ways that are inclusive and welcoming of all bodies and abilities.

Love, Beastly

I must admit that I feel a little strange writing this, as I've always prided myself if either having the ready answer or knowing where to find it. But when it comes to my own body, apparently I'm lacking...

So a little tidbit about me...I'm a Bottom that has been in several relationships and enjoyed each and every one of them but for one aspect that in retrospect has been glaring me down in the face, though I failed to see it... I never finish as a bottom!

I ENJOY anal intercourse and love being a submissive partner, but I realized very recently that not once in all these years, have I ever completed during the act, and worse recently, I'm failing to even maintain arousal entirely... I take pride that my Tops have all been satisfied and appreciate what I have to give, but I myself have been left with a very hollow feeling of dissatisfaction and somehow loss.

So my question is twofold... first, is it common for a Bottom to not complete during the act and often to lose an erection? ... If not, what can I do differently to help light my own fireworks show (so to speak) and feel the bliss I've been missing out on?

I'm honestly at a loss and am afraid that I'm just turning frigid. Any advice would be appreciated.

Yours Truly,
Phil

Hey Phil,

First things first: You're not lacking. Please stop thinking like that.

I assume "complete during the act" means "ejaculating," right? First, let's rule out a medical issue. The only way to do that is to talk to your doctor, who may send you to a urologist. It's a good idea to get your testosterone checked and — not to be alarmist — get examined for prostate cancer. Your question doesn't specify if you are masturbating privately or not. If you can cum, just not during sex, you can likely rule out a medical issue. (But still, talk to a doctor — always.)

It is very common for bottoms to not ejaculate ("cum") during anal sex. Some bottoms don't necessarily love the physical feeling of getting fucked, but they enjoy the mental idea of being dominated by someone else. Their orgasm is mental, an emotional high — they rarely ejaculate purely from physical sensation. Then some bottoms love the physical feeling of getting fucked (I'm one), but even we rarely ejaculate solely from getting fucked. With training, you can learn to cum hands-free, but that's really hard to do. I've only done it twice.

Let's expand the concept of orgasm beyond blowing a load. There are many ways to "cum" that don't involve cum. Let me put that another way: There are many ways to orgasm that don't involve ejaculation. With training, you can experience anal orgasms, which are usually more intense than ejaculatory orgasms. But anal orgasms are just one way to orgasm — there are dozens more.

Prostate orgasm is another kind of orgasm for people with prostates (cisgender men, generally) — often achieved with prostate stimulation toys, fingering, and more. I've found that prostate orgasms are actually too intense and I have to be in the right headspace for them (which usually requires magic mushrooms). Fisting orgasms are my favorite: super intense, full-body experiences that make me roar and moan and become a heaving animal for several minutes. And these are just a few examples of non-ejaculatory orgasms that cisgender men can have.

Let's expand the concept even further. What if your orgasm is sheer mental pleasure? What if it is simply feeling hot and intense with another person? There is no textbook definition of orgasm. Many penis-bearers feel left out of this experience because our culture teaches us that orgasms for cisgender men and anyone with a penis are simple: you get aroused, you get hard, and after a certain point of intensity, you ejaculate.

That's not orgasm — at least not the orgasm that many people experience.

People with vaginas have been experiencing orgasms for as long as humans have walked the earth, yet we still don't fully understand how or where they experience them. That's partly because the study of cisgender women's pleasure has largely been a male-led science, and the subject is drenched (no pun intended) in misogyny and non-scientific myths. What we do know is that orgasm for people with vaginas is anything but simple and they describe it in countless different ways: as a quick, sudden jolt or long, drawn-out moment, like falling into a warm bath. Debate rages over where, exactly, these orgasms happen. In the clitoris? Somewhere else? We (bizarrely) still don't know with 100% certainty.

Some vagina-bearing people describe their orgasms as ejaculatory ("squirting") but others do not. And here's the truth: Penis-wielding people are no different. Our orgasms are diverse, varied, and complex, and there's a lot we still don't know about them. We've just been taught by our culture that our orgasms are simple, so most of us accept a simple understanding of cis male pleasure. On top of that, social gender roles make many men, cisgender and otherwise, feel closed off from experiencing the emotional and mental aspects of orgasm.

It's okay to cry when you cum. I have. It's okay not to cum and simply feel held, protected, and loved. It's okay to simply enjoy pleasing someone else. All these are valid and intense ways to feel pleasure. It's sad that most men never allow themselves access to these rich feelings.

I don't know what exactly you experience when you bottom, but you stress that you enjoy bottoming, enjoy submission, and have a history of pleasing tops. That's great. It sounds like you're on the right track, but it also sounds like some myths, expectations, and anxieties are holding you back (or a pressing medical issue you must attend to).

Here's some homework: Stop positioning any single experience (whether that's ejaculating, getting hard, or even experiencing orgasm) as the "completion" of sex. Your sex is complete if you enjoy it. That's it. If you are experiencing pleasure, you're doing it right. Do more of what makes you feel good. If you're not experiencing pleasure, it's time to experiment. Explore the sensations that arouse your body and mind instead of focusing on maintaining an erection and blowing a load.

There are many ways to light your own (interior and exterior) fireworks. Enjoy the sparks.

Love, Beastly