Ask Beastly: Why Do You Say the Bad Word?

A slur. A kink. A home.

Thank you for sharing your life in your book! I am wondering why you refer to yourself as a fag, which is a hurtful word to many in our community. I know some of us use that term, maybe trying to claim power over it? I am wondering what goes through your mind when you use that word? Is it just sex talk, or meaningless, or is there another reason you use it?

Thanks for reading my book. I’m glad you asked this.

For a long time, I struggled with “gay”—it never seemed to fully fit. I don’t struggle with it so much now. In fact, in casual conversation, it’s my go-to identifier.

It’s easy. Most people understand it. It doesn’t require further explanation.

So in that sense, “gay” is useful. It states succinctly who I go to bed with (most of the time) and what culture I participate in. But I see it more as a cultural descriptor than a strict sexual orientation. I love gay culture—drag, harnesses, camp, all the sass and silliness—but am I, strictly speaking, gay? No. As a sexual orientation, “gay” defines a man who is only attracted to men, and in the right circumstances, with the proper connection, I’ll have sex with someone of any gender (or no gender). I’ve had sexual experiences with men, women, trans folks, and nonbinary folks. If anything, I’m “fluid” or “pansexual.” But unlike “gay,” these words, in casual conversation—especially with straight, cisgender people—require explanation, and that’s a drag.

And none of those words ring in my heart like "faggot.”

This is semantics, but to me, "faggot" is, like "gay,” more of a cultural invention than a sexual orientation—a fusion between a hedonist, anarchist, slut, zealot, and heretic. A faggot is "gay" on steroids. A faggot celebrates his sex as a social and political act. He is anti-church, anti-hetero, and anti-establishment, and defines himself and his body as the very thing homophobes hate. He embraces the things they abhor.

A faggot is a student of sex and knows its risks, is comfortable talking about poop, knows our history with AIDS, is kink-friendly, and embraces non-monogamy and all the nontraditional relationship structures that have long been standards of gay life. A faggot sees himself as part of a global fraternity that celebrates pleasure. A faggot loves being a faggot. His soul points a middle finger at Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ forever. For him, sex falls somewhere between a hobby and a faith.

Yes, I fuck with (get fucked by) all genders, but the side of me that loves and fucks men—my predominant sexual side—is "faggot". And since I have yet to find a word that encompasses all of me, the only word I can be certain of is the one that explains this primary, primal facet of my sexual being, so that is the word I use and cherish.

There is, of course, a highly sexual element to “faggot.” I'll be frank: “queer” is just not hot. It never was. It's toothless, synonymous with "odd" or "strange." A queer is a curio, an oddity, whilst a faggot is a dangerous miscreant. A straight man calls a gay man "queer" to mock him. A straight man calls a gay man "faggot" because he is terrified of him, and his fear translates to rage. That is power.

It’s hard to place one’s finger on why, exactly, "faggot" is sexy, but most people can feel it—its oomph, its brutishness. Many power words in English start with an "f" sound and end with a percussive consonant (fuck, fight, freak, fate, fend, fist, fast) so it may be that the word simply sounds more aggressive than its softer alternatives, or else its sexiness lies in the inherently combative nature of its usage.

Words that shock will always be charged with sexual energy. Think of other slurs—for women, people of colour, and so on—that get eroticized and have made their way into kink, role play, and rough sex. In kink, "faggot" is often used to describe a gay submissive who enjoys degradation, who gets used hard, fucked sloppy, and loves it. That's me. So “faggot” connects to me on both a social and sexual level, and these connective points are not separate, because “faggot” will never be separate from sex. When gays say “faggotry” they are talking about assfucking. It’s remarkable how well “fucking faggot” and “cocksucking faggot” fit, like puzzle pieces made for each other.

This went down a semantic and theoretical hole, but it's a great hole. Language is delicious.

Love, Beastly