Ask Beastly: When the Sex Is Hot but the Situation’s a Mess

Old exes, new threesomes, too many questions—can anyone make sense of this?

Hi Beastly,

I hope this is the right place to send questions! First, I love what you bring to the community and the internet-at-large with your brain and your writing via this “Dear Abby” for people who love Halsted’s “LA Plays Itself” approach. Does anyone else better balance kindness with zero bullshit? Not that I’ve seen. So, thanks!

My question doesn’t get into kink, I don’t think, but your experience, empathy, open-mindedness, and especially, perhaps, your focus on “lost souls” generally makes me wonder about your advice here. Basically, it’s something like: when does baggage/history/misalignment cause fun to morph into a definite bad idea? I’m a 37-year-old cis gay male. I feel like my life is weird, but it’s not weird in a transgressive way; I’ve structured more pseudo-heteronormativity into it than most gays my age, I think. I say this from a place of insecurity, not superiority. My closest relationship, and it’s very close, is with a cis hetero woman. We joke that we’re platonic spouses in an open relationship. She’s the best person I’ve ever known, my favorite person. This is for “me” context, as I don’t see strife with my later question here. In fact, I’m seeing her later today and will definitely have her read my question to you and then we’ll talk about it endlessly over some wine, I’m sure.

I have had relationships with guys (I’ve been out for 17 years). Only one was serious. Sex since then has been sporadic and often unfulfilling; I often feel like I’m doing it because I’m supposed to. Still, it can be fun to lean into hedonistic impulses, and I certainly am a sexual person. That said, I don’t feel like I’ve prioritized sex as a hobby. As an example of what I mean, I go through phases of intense obsessions where that obsession takes up most of my free time: music, film, art, and even perfume (there are whole communities!) Maybe I’ll have a sex phase like this, but it’s often intimidating because one can feel “behind”, and it can be fraught with competitiveness, emotions, drama, etc. You’ve addressed this many times in your column, with great advice, so again, this is just for context. Sorry for all the context.

I’ve recently reconnected with my ex, let’s call him Michael, in the past 6 weeks or so. It’s the same ex that correlates with my “one serious relationship” above. It started when we were very young: I’ve known him for 17 years, the entire time I’ve been out. Because our thing started when he was 18 and I was 20, it was obviously built around intense emotions and foundational memories. The main initial phases of our relationship ended due to trust issues on my part. (As in, I could never learn to trust him after extensive attempts at communication, revising approach, arguing, etc.) We’ve seen each other off and on over those 17 years - it’s usually an intense and short fling, and then it fades away until the next phase. He has had a live-in partner for the past 10 years, including the present one. I’ve never met the partner.

Part of my struggle is trying to understand what I want to know for my own well-being, so Michael and I are aligned on whatever rules, and what is none of my business. I’ve clarified that Michael and his partner are not in an open relationship. Over the years, they have played with others in threesomes and foursomes. Mostly, this seems like none of my business, but at least I know I’m now playing in cheating territory (and have been previously, during the off-and-on phases). Fine.

In these past six weeks, I’ve learned there’s another guy who occasionally lives with them, I’ll call him Bob. Michael and his partner met through pursuing a threesome, but it didn’t work out. Instead, Michael has, in some ways, become a kind of caretaker for Bob, due to financial and health-related reasons I won’t get into. I’ve now had a threesome with Bob and Michael. (My first! Fun but also kind of like whatever.) I’ve had mind-blowing sex with Michael alone. Bob has romantic feelings for Michael and is jealous of me. I do get along with Bob. Michael’s partner has messaged me a few times via Facebook to clarify if Michael is with me when he is (this happened twice). I answer these messages. The partner and I do not interact otherwise.

Also, I realize this might be confusing. I think I’m leaning towards calling what Michael is doing “open cheating” because he’s communicative, sort of, but it also causes drama. Is this messier than usual? Do I care? I want to have fun and be sexual. I’m truly happy that Michael is in a committed relationship with his partner because I know that I myself don’t want to commit, so it allows me the freedom to have my chill life with my platonic wife and also get laid.

Am I fucking shit up for Michael and his partner? Is that Michael’s responsibility? At 37, should I really stop going back to Michael at this point and try harder to get laid elsewhere? He has called our thing “sexual animal magnetism”, which I’d certainly agree with. We don’t have much else in common aside from that and our history. But I have friends I don’t always have a ton in common with - plus, isn’t magnetic sex something to have in common? The last context, because I think it plays into the dynamic: Michael has a preference for “chubs”. I objectively fit this description physically, but do not relate to it as a sexual identity at all. Over the years, it has annoyed me that I lean into competitive insecurity with Michael because his physical self aligns more with mainstream preferences. Also, as I hinted at earlier, Michael’s more extensive sexual experience can be intimidating.

But, like, I should grow up and be open to learning from that. He’s into me; who cares if he has more experience? I can learn from him. So, finally, the end. Am I losing the plot? When does fun really become something else entirely?

- B

Hi B,

Your question is confusing. I have read it several times and am still lost. That is a lot of context—too much context. Where is the question? Which question are you asking?

This is an interntal monolgue, a diary entry, not a question. I have no clue what’s up.

This is partly why I ask people to keep their questions under 300 words—roughly one long paragraph—which you did not do. That is not an arbitrary request: it helps people define what they are asking, which helps me answer. Otherwise, people will just use it to vent, like you did.

Carving away all the information here that I don’t need to know, I see a situation of someone (you) having an on-and-off-again relationship with a partnered man (Michael) that his partner doesn’t know about. You ask if this is unethical, sustainable, and worth continuing.

Unethical? Only you can decide that, based on your ethics. I don’t think the “other man” is ultimately responsible for a partnered person’s relationship or their breakup when it inevitably comes. Still, they are actively participating in someone’s cheating and that tends to result in bad outcomes, hurt feelings, pain, and so on—because primary partners always find out. Always.

It sounds like Michael’s partner already knows something is up, at least to a degree, but if you suspect that full knoweldge would result in a separation, I have to tell you: full knoweldge will come. Indirectly or not, you are participating in a relationship ending. Again, that’s not fully on you—it’s on Michael—but you are not neutral.

But you know that. We all know that. Every “other man” knows their involvement can cause a breakup. You just have to decide what you think is right and stick to it.

Is it sustainable? No, for the above reasons. Your relationship with Michael might continue after his primary relationship's ruin, but it will always be marked by the pain of a breakup, which tends not to bode well for sustainability. Continued relationships with “the other guy” sometimes work, and sometimes they don’t.

Is it worth continuing? Continue it for as long as it makes you feel good about yourself. It sounds like some aspects of this relationship (the sex) make you feel good, but other aspects decidedly do not. I would really sit with those latter feelings and decide if this is good for you, good for him, and good for all.

Love, Beastly