Ask Beastly: What Power Exchange Taught Me About Myself

Sex gave me answers. Now I’m asking bigger questions.

Hi Alex,

I sort of stumbled into it, which I'm sure a lot of men do. I enjoyed your interview on the Private Parts Unknown podcast. I find you rather fascinating; I'm curious about how your mind is wired, the experiences you've had that've shaped you, and so on. Plan on getting a copy of your book as soon as possible. So, about the BDSM thing, I'm a Dom and have been practising for 20 years roughly. It's something that evolved for me - a path, a journey of transformation from being a vanilla male, secretive in my career, and a military veteran. That journey, for me, was like an awakening - very similar to how you describe your thoughts on how people come to discover their kink. I like to joke that being a 'good' Dom is much like being a psychologist; we have to be able to get into the headspace of the sub who wants to transfer their power and enjoy a training experience - and in doing so, we must learn more about them than perhaps they know about themselves (i.e. instinctual observation, getting a sense of their inner childlike self, understanding how they see themselves vs how others perceive them, etc.). It is certainly time-consuming and exhausting. My question is this: through your life's journey so far, can you share more about mental dynamics associated with power transfers in bondage/fetish/clients/hook-ups/partners; how you mentally connect, influence, role-play, etc., and interchange your power with others in these spaces and how they may differ from each other (explain how they have shaped your sense of self, share personal stories of how you've learned to wield your mental connectivity with others), what you've learned, and what you enjoy. Perhaps you cover this in other areas of your writings, and I've yet to discover them. Thank much!

— Mark

Hey Mark,

That is a big question. I am not sure how to answer it. I am not even fully sure what you are asking for. I think you'd like to hear stories from my life about my experiences with power exchange. Not to be glib, but I wrote a book about that—please read it!

This sounds braggy, but it’s not a boast, I promise. I am so sexually experienced that I feel I have evolved past labels. I have dominated men and been a hardcore submissive. I have connected deeply and lovingly, and I have hate-fucked. I have done so much that I feel certain there is no label for what I am now.

The certainty I felt at the beginning of my kink journey when I called myself a "pup" is long over. That word fell away as I tried other words, other labels. Each felt more certain than the last.

After doing that enough—after discovering and outgrowing enough terms—I realised that how I describe and understand myself will never mirror someone else's. I have never felt part of a fetish community. I am just Alex. I feel how I think John Lennon felt when he wrote "God" (though it’s possible Yoko Ono wrote it for him). In the song, he lists what he no longer believes in, all the religions and institutions of the world—even The Beatles—before the words, “I just believe in me."

I was the Dreamweaver
But now I'm reborn
I was the walrus
But now I'm John

Now I'm just Alex. Not a pup. Not a sub. Not even 100 per cent gay. I am just a 32-year-old man with a loose hole.

I can mold myself to be what someone wants and needs—or I can be selfish, a machine, a fuck toy. I understand now, I think, what Walt Whitman meant when he wrote "I contain multitudes." I can be who you want me to be. I was a sex worker for a while, and rather than make my sexual identity performative and flimsy, that experience actually expanded it to a label-less place where playfulness is the only rule, openness the only law. Sex is just a playground with lots of toys.

The big journeys ahead for me are not sexual—I feel certain saying that. My next big journeys are of the soul. I will keep having sex, but it no longer feels like a mystery to unravel for years to come. Now, I’m ready to work on my mind and spirit.

Sex is easy. But mind stuff? Soul stuff? That’s hard.

I am not as sexual as I was. I know what my body can do; now I want to see what my soul can do, what my mind is capable of, and what I can create. I can take huge toys and have incredible orgasms. But can I age with grace? Can I forgive my parents? Can I survive my demons? Do I want to be old? I don't know. Sex, to me, is made of simple questions with simple answers. Do I want to get fucked? Yes.

I may turn again in a sexual direction. How fun it would be to find, in a decade, a new sexual side of myself—a new kink! If that happens, great! I will chase it. If not, it's okay. Sex is one of the few things I understand. But sadly, I still don't understand friendship, and I doubt I’ll ever be married, as I certainly don't understand love, and these things now feel more pressing, more deserving of my curiosity and inquiry. I'm not sure if I can love someone forever. Should I be?

So that is my journey. And I suppose that wasn't really about power exchange, and I probably did not give you what you wanted. But it’s my truth. This sounds hokey—I’m sorry for that—but the greatest power exchange of my life was finding my own.

The power I most want to play with now is just being me in a world bent on keeping me sick, unhappy, and poor. Being alive now—on Instagram, in a city, in the twilight of humanity—is a power exchange. The world takes so much. I try every day to keep enough power for myself.

When I look at people now, I feel, perhaps naively, that I can see “into” them better. I can see the wounds and also, sometimes, the little golden lights of their best selves, sometimes struggling to shine through, but still there. Everyone has that tiny flicker, that moment where the kindness and love come out in their eyes—a radical softness. But for most people, it’s been forcibly covered up by life experience and a toxic culture, by bad relationships and bad sex. I live for the moment when I get to see it. These moments give me hope.

When I see it, I see the ache for love and understanding in them. I see it in me too. In my eyes. Right now. And right now, I just want to sit in that light. I don’t need to be very dominant or submissive. I can be both or neither. I am just floating in Alex now, discovering him, discovering others through him, and discovering him through others. And only at this point has the sex become really, really good.

Love, Beastly