Ask Beastly: What Do You Call a Beta-Switch?
Power exchange is personal. The right words come with time.
Hi Alexander,
Would you please help me find the term of, and potentially information related to, the dynamics of a devoted triad (or casual threesome) where there is a 100% dominant Sir, a 100% submissive boy, and a middle one who serves Sir and dominates the boy? Of course, age is independent of these terms; it's a state of mind. What I've found that seems to fit, though imperfectly, is Alpha (Sir) — Beta — Omega (sub boy). As I explore my kink, moving from a 'total top' into the submissive arena, I find that I still want to dominate a 'boy' as well as serve a Sir. I don't consider the term 'switch' applies in the case I describe, as the three gay men playing unwaveringly maintain their established roles. The reason for my humble request to you: I seek a term to help me search for further information, to better understand myself. Thank you in advance for any help you provide.
Trent
P.S.: I doubt anything will be published from this, but I request that only a first name/initials or 'anonymous' be used if it is published. I'm still early in my path to be open about my kink, and admire and respect - and appreciate - your openness.
PSS: Although this may sound like I'm trying to ingratiate myself or something, I have found your book, My Love Is a Beast: Confessions, and will be purchasing it this week. ...wish available for Kindle, but will do paper. :)
Heyo Trent,
I never use anyone's full name on this site. That is an automatic courtesy. (I hope that's clear from all the posts that have been published.)
I don’t know the best term for a beta-switch beyond, well, that. Labels aren’t standard in kink. They are personal. You’re unlikely to find much online that is helpful, as the Internet isn’t particularly well-suited for this type of information.
Kink is learned at the individual level, with others. The real teacher is time. The longer you play, explore, and test language—the longer you hone your communication skills with partners and friends—you will get better at describing yourself, and your triad relationship, as it grows, will get clearer. You will find the right words.
You’re chasing power exchange. I like this term because it's so open. Nearly all kinky people, regardless of the terms they use and how they define their relationships, do "power exchange". That's what most kink is. The term is so broad, so unspecific, that—like "queer"—it is endlessly customisable and can be experienced countless different ways. You're into power exchange—surrendering power to one person, taking it away from another—and how you communicate that will be specific to you.
You need time with other kinky people in kinky places, like leather bars and fetish events. Someday, somewhere, you may meet someone who calls themselves a term that zings in your heart and feels good, and you will borrow it forever. That term, whatever it is, will be more meaningful than any found online. You will meet kinky relationship groups ("clusters") who use all sorts of wonderful names for each other.
My friend Kellen is a "fist brat". Some years ago, he provided a service to his followers on Twitter by explaining this term and what it meant to him. I’m sure many guys who followed him (he is popular on Fisting Twitter) realised they were fist brats, too.
One of my best friends is a "granny fag”—his own term and one that somehow perfectly describes him. More than a submissive, I am a "pussy fag" and the right guys know what I'm talking about.
This is where language and experience meet, where one takes tools we all have access to—language, words—and finds their term that fits. Kink, like many things in life, is a journey of communication and language more than a body thing, a sex thing. Stay the course and keep an ear open for a new label. Until you find it, you're a beta-switch.
Love, Beastly