Ask Beastly: What Are the Rules at a Bathhouse?
Gay bathhouses can be heaven—if you know how to behave.
This may sound silly, but... do you have any advice on bathhouse etiquette? I've never been to one, but one of my coworkers is a regular. I wouldn't say I have the confidence to go yet, but I'd rather know the rules and not go than show up without knowing them.
Not silly at all!
It’s a great question, one I wish people asked more, because bathhouse etiquette is actually quite complicated, and so many people do not understand how to behave in public erotic spaces.
For clarity, I’ll define something: a “bathhouse” typically has private rooms that can be rented by the hour, or it has lockers where you store your belongings. Most have both. They typically have pools, jacuzzis, showers, and other watery things one typically expects to find at a house of bathing, and you are expected to walk around nude with a towel wrapped around your waist. Bring flip-flops.
In contrast, a sex club usually does not have private rooms for rent, though many do have lockers. A sex club is not a bathhouse: most gay sex clubs do not have pools or jacuzzis, and you are not expected to get wet in them, so you don’t walk around in a towel.
Both typically have some private bathrooms and may have some private or semi-private spaces to play (have sex). In sex clubs, the sex is naturally more public, in front of everyone. Some bathhouses also have public play areas, but many have a dedicated play area and outside this area you may or may not be allowed to fuck around. Besides these differences, sex clubs and bathhouses often have similar vibes: similar lighting, similar music, similar cruising, and, if they’re for gay men, lots of sex.
Regardless of whether you are in a bathhouse or sex club, the rules of sex spaces (places where people are allowed and expected to play openly and publicly) are the same: two or more people playing in front of you or near you does not automatically include you in what they are doing. Public play is not an invitation to participate — it is, at most, an invitation to watch, and you should even stop that if they ask.
People often fail to grasp this. But it’s a fact: sometimes a public place, like a bathhouse, is the only place two people can fuck. They might be married and have spouses or children at home. They might simply be unable to host at their homes. So they meet in a bathhouse. The most annoying part of these spaces is the people who try to involve themselves when you are trying to focus on someone and are having a hot session just between the two of you. Sometimes gay men simply suffer this annoyance when there’s no other option. But this annoyance can ruin the play and kill the mood if people don’t take the hint and don’t stop trying to join in. Don’t do that.
The rules of consent matter even when people are fucking right in front of you. You are in the same space, but you still need their consent to touch them.
It can be difficult to discern consent in spaces like this, particularly when reading body language, as people may be nervous and overwhelmed, and might not know (or feel brave enough to express) what they actually want. So it’s best, always, to use your words quietly (whisper), and be direct. “Can I fuck you?” “Can we fuck?” “I really want you to fuck me.” “Can I suck it?”
Give people a chance to say a definite yes or no, or make some gesture to initiate the encounter. If they do neither — if they don’t respond, turn away, do nothing — the answer is no. Do not try to make it happen with someone who has not given you an affirmative “yes,” head nod, or some other physical action indicating interest.
Basically, don’t be one of those grabby guys who seem to think that, by being there, everyone is free to touch. We don’t like those guys.
Unlike sex clubs, there are different levels of bathhouses: some are quite nice and not very sexual at all. Especially in Europe, many nude spas and bathhouses are just bathhouses, places to relax and be naked. The rules at these places will likely be posted somewhere on the wall and will likely prohibit sexual activity. But if it’s a place with house music and posters of muscle guys on the wall, it’s a gay bathhouse for gay play. I recommend getting a room, if possible, not just a locker: these spaces can be tiring and overwhelming, and sometimes it’s nice to be alone for a bit. And rooms are a great place to bring someone if you want a hot session together without any grabby hands of strangers getting in the way.
Love, Beastly