Ask Beastly: Do I Have a Porn Addiction—or Just Shame?

Here’s how to tell if it’s a real problem.

Hi Mr. Beastly, 

I (20 cis gay M) am a long-time fan of this blog. First off, I just have to say how much reading your kind, insightful, sex-positive posts over the years has been unimaginably healing and affirming while existing in a homophobic and all-around close-minded environment. 

Now, onto my current crisis: I’m interested in your outlook on sex addiction. I know on the internet that word gets tossed around, but speaking from my own experience, in the past year, I’ve felt myself spiral. I’m not sexually active (aforementioned sucky environment), but have always consumed and enjoyed porn, typically as a way to unwind after a long day. 

However, recently, especially in the summer, without my usual college routine, I’ve found myself opening the Incognito Tab more than I’d care to admit. More importantly, I’ve noticed my motivation to work or do anything else influenced by whether I’ve jerked off that day, and I can’t help feeling like a junkie that can’t function without getting my fix (I recognise how problematic this imagery is, but I’ve realized I can’t scold myself into feeling less shitty about myself). 

On a related note, given the resurgence of #NoFap in certain corners of social media, I can’t deny that I’ve felt certain arguments slightly wear down my usually firmly held beliefs in sexual freedom.

To summarize this tangent of a question, I guess I’d like to hear your take on both: the biological/physical aspect (if there’s any basis at all), and the mental/personal choice aspect (if you know of any merits for one going on an orgasmic diet so to speak) of a porn pause, or anything in the vein of a sex break.

Once again, thank you for all the work that you do; it means the world to so many!

Love,

XMP (he/him)

Hey XMP,

I’m in a gay book club in Berlin. We just read Samuel R. Delaney’s Times Square Red, Times Square Blue—a dense but brilliant examination of how cities and urban planning shape desire, community, and sex. It was not my first time reading the book (it’s more of a book-length essay, or rather, two essays laid next to each other), but my last time reading it was years ago, in college, before I had any opinions on sex addiction.

Now, as an adult, I have an opinion on sex addiction—namely, that it’s a bogus diagnosis built on shame and cultural moralisms rather than a real, clinical pathology. 

The book challenged this opinion. By the time I put it down, I wasn’t so sure. In it, Delaney recounts his experiences over many years in the old porn theaters of Times Square—all gone now, shuttered in the city’s “urban cleanup” of the last thirty years—and the men from all walks of life he met in them. Some of those men were healthy, sane, closeted men masturbating and cruising after work. And some were severely ill—men who were, without question, addicted to porn and masturbation.

If Delaney’s unique view of the world—his act of witnessing a broad swatch of men from many cultures, ethnicities, backgrounds, and classes over several decades—is a fair sampling of all men, it’s correct to say more men in the world have healthy relationships to porn and sex than men who don’t. I believe that. 

But today, with the widepsread accessibility of porn, there is likely a higher percentage of men suffering from porn and sex addiciton than in the past. In the long arc of human history, porn is very new, and our minds are probably not fully equipped to handle it—in the same way our minds are not fully equipped to handle social media or round-the-clock stimuli in our pockets. So I also believe that the population of men who have unhealthy relationships with sex has grown.

And sure, you might be one of them. You should talk to a therapist—ideally, a gay one—about this. 

Here’s my concern: What you describe (masturbating at the end of the day to relax, or needing to masturbate so you can focus on other things) sounds pretty normal to me. I know many men—probably most men in my life—with similar rituals, a similar relationship with masturbation. My favorite top in Berlin jacks off every morning or he can’t focus at work, and he usually masturbates three times a day. That’s normal. 

He is a medical professional who works a lot, and his job is stressful, so jacking off is a pleasant part of his daily ritual, a way to unwind (a far healthier way to do this than, say, heroin). It’s self-pleasure. It’s natural. It’s good for you. Humans have always done this. Nothing you describe about your relationship to masturbation sounds abnormal to me, which makes me think this self-diagnosis of “sex addiction” is just shame. 

But how do you know for sure? Ask yourself basic questions and answer them honestly. What problems, exactly, is masturbation causing in your life? Are your relationships suffering? Are you slacking at work? Are you unable to pay bills? Are you at risk of homelessness? Are you unable to keep a job or attend classes? Many people with real sexual compulsions can answer “yes” to some or all of these, and these folks have a problem. If you answer “yes” to any, you might have a problem too.

But if you are keeping your job, managing your relationships, paying bills, and living a relatively normal life, I don’t think your masturbation habit is anything to worry about. Therefore, these feelings—this conviction that you’re doing something unhealthy—is more likely, in your own words, you “feeling shitty about yourself.” 

I know it’s hard to develop a good self-image—I struggled all my life to do it—especially in a homophobic place where there aren’t many gay and queer men around. That’s hard. Whatever way you can, you must make friends—in person—with other gay and queer men so you can ask them questions like this. You must do this, no matter what it takes, no matter how much driving or time is needed. It will save your life.

I’m all for taking sex breaks. I’m even fine with occasional breaks from masturbation. Breaks are healthy. A break can help refocus your relationship with your body and serve as a fun mental exercise or a way to take care of yourself. I take sex breaks often to focus on work or myself. Breaks are vital to my productivity, sanity, and happiness.

But taking a break from sex, masturbation, or anything else is not the same as abstinence. It’s not the same as swearing off. Abstinence and swearing off mean the activity being denounced is deemed hazardous, wrong, or dangerous. People abstain from things they think are harmful. And masturbation—at least in reasonable amounts—is not harmful. It’s normal and healthy.

As I said, masturbation is only a problem if it starts to negatively affect your life—if you are masturbating in inappropriate places compulsively, skipping work or school to masturbate, or things like that. I do not believe you or anyone should abstain from sex and masturbation because these things are sinful or unhealthy, because they’re not. Humans have a natural, biological need for orgasm—it’s how we’re wired.

Porn is a bit different. Porn is not something our bodies and minds evolved over millions of years to enjoy. As I said, it’s new. I think more people are legitimately addicted to porn—which may appear like a masturbation addiction, but in reality, the addiction is to porn. I think more people have a legitimate reason to abstain from porn, and I know many people who have unhealthy relationships with it. I still believe more people in the world have good relationships with porn than those who don’t. Still, I think the ones who don’t are growing in number, especially since the internet, social media, the coronavirus pandemic, and social isolation have worked to make people all over the world feel isolated and cut off from each other.

These days, we live in a bad mix of social isolation that is hard for neurodivergent people, addicts, and folks with anxiety. In that stew, I think legitimate porn addiction has skyrocketed. If you feel you are over-consuming porn, you might be, and you’re not alone. This is something you should talk to a therapist about, and there are smartphone apps (like BetterHelp and others) where you can connect with a therapist and talk. And you should. Everyone needs a therapist at some point in their life. 

Just to re-stress a key point: Porn is not something we evolved to enjoy in nature, and it can be a lot for the brain to handle. But masturbation is natural. Sex is natural. Self-pleasure is natural. These are good, healthy things. Enjoying masturbation (even a lot) can still mean living a healthy, happy, well-managed life.

Ask yourself those questions. Are you managing your life, work, and relationships? If you are, masturbation is likely not a problem. Porn might be. Talk to someone. 

Love, Beastly