Ask Beastly: Why Can’t I Cum With a Partner?

You’re not broken. You’re just getting started.

I’m a 23-year-old gay guy in my first real relationship (international long distance with one or two visits a year), and I’m really worried that I’m not built for sex. Everyone always makes it sound like this crazy amazing thing but I don’t feel very sensitive at all when my boyfriend gives me a blowjob or handjob. I can’t even cum without my own hand or looking at porn together. I’ve hooked up with a few people in college and I’ve never been able to cum with them either, and it’s never felt that *great*. Even sex toys like butt plugs and dildos are exciting I guess, but they never feel amazing or directly stimulating. I feel like I’m broken below the belt. Do you have any tips for this sort of problem?

Hey buddy.

We’re men who have sex with men, so we usually find sex late, long after our hetero peers have been dating and fucking for some years. For us, high school sex tends to be secretive and rare.

But you know this. You lived it—you’re living it now. You’re 23, either still in school or just out, and this is your first “real” relationship. That’s scary and exciting, so it makes sense that you might be particularly critical of your body and sexual responses right now: You want this thing to work. 

And since it's international long-distance—which, as I have written before, is not advised, especially not for your first relationship—you likely have brief windows to play in, which builds pressure to make that rare, infrequent sex really, really good. Good enough to keep him interested while he's away.

But at 23 years old and with, it seems, not much sexual experience and no satisfying sexual experience behind you, how can you know your turn-ons? How can you be good at sex yet? All people, gay and straight, must learn how to have sex. It doesn’t come naturally. We have to discover what kinds of sex we like, what sensations feel good, how to communicate these things to partners, and more. This process takes years. Even when you think you know what you like, you must get enough practice so that it starts being enjoyable, not just stressful. 

Take, for example, bottoming: many guys have an idea that they want to get fucked, but then they try it a few times and it sucks. They often (mistakenly) decide then that they are not bottoms or into bottoming. If it doesn’t feel good, they’re not into it, right? Wrong. Bottoming must be learned, and it’s hard to learn. It always feels uncomfortable at first. Most sex does.

Sex (all sex, gay and straight) isn’t a thing you magically slip into where your body just knows what to do, and until you get more confidence and practice, most sex for most people feels uncomfortable, strange, and dissatisfying at first, especially with the pressure of a new relationship. You are probably worried that if you don’t get this sex stuff sorted, you’ll ruin this new thing, and that pressure is not helping you. (This should be obvious, but if he can’t respect your journey, let you play at your own speed, and help you explore your body in new ways to see what feels good, he’s not a keeper.)

It’s strange to think pleasure must be learned, but it does. Like any skill, you get better at pleasure with practice and patience. So it may be too early to say you are “broken below the belt”—I don’t think you have enough data (sex history) to say that. 

So, give it more time, get more practice, expect that some sex will be good in that time and some will not, and suspend all self-judgment until you have more data (more sex) behind you. If, after a year or two, you still feel broken, read the rest of my answer. 

If, after enough experience, you still don’t feel pleasure or arousal in sex and have not found ways to achieve and enjoy orgasm, it could be a medical problem. You should talk to your physician about this, and if you don’t feel safe doing so, you should find a new one—a young, gay-friendly one. Being out and honest with one’s doctor is the best health decision a gay man can make.

It could be that your body doesn’t make enough testosterone, and you might need to take testosterone replacement therapy, like many guys do—I do. 

It’s best to rule out a medical reason before moving to psychology, since medical reasons are easier to treat. If no medical reason presents itself, it’s time to talk to a therapist and see if they can help (again, a young, progressive, gay-friendly one). Everyone needs a therapist, and therapy works. Many people have sexual traumas they need help unpacking, and this is doubly true for guys like us. Also, both depression and the drugs used to treat it can affect sex in ways you describe. A therapist can help you sort that out.

Trauma can present itself as problems like what you describe. It sounds like your sexual struggles—be they medical or psychological—are impacting your life. They are, after all, bad enough to make you ask me for advice. So I think they deserve the potentially lengthy and stressful process of finding someone who can help you, which will involve making multiple appointments and potentially trying several professionals before making progress. This will be frustrating, but it's worth it. 

Finally, you might just be asexual. I’m not sure about this, though, since it sounds like you want sex and are happy chasing it—you just wish it felt better. Asexuals do not connect to people sexually. That doesn’t sound like you, but look into the asexual community online and see if their experiences and responses match yours. You may be a “side,” a man who likes men but does not like anal sex. The world is filled with sides. And we are increasingly learning, thanks to the Internet, how many ace (internet slang for “asexual”) people are out there in the world.

I know there are no simple answers here. Sorry for that. But you don’t have a simple problem. You feel something is not working in your body, but you don’t know what. Regardless of what is going on, I imagine that lack of clarity is the worst part. Take it from someone (me) who is chronically ill, often for no apparent reason: when there’s nothing to pinpoint as the direct cause of suffering, it’s easy to fall into depression and feel like my whole body, my whole self, is broken. I catch myself falling into this trap all the time, especially when I’ve had a bad sick streak, when I’ve spent more time sick than well.

But I’m not broken. Just as you are not broken. We just have things going on that must be figured out. There’s nothing wrong with us as people, but there might be hangups and traumas in the mind or things happening in the body that need to be sorted out. Experts can help with that.

Your solution might be straightforward: maybe you haven’t had enough sex to know what you like, or perhaps you have not explored your body enough to know what things turn you on. At all stages of sexual development, solo time is just as important as time with others: masturbation and self-pleasure, solo toy play, and solo porn watching—all these help us connect with what we like, which we can then bring to our play sessions. I found fisting this way (solo porn time) and it's now the best part of my sex life. Try more sex! Try kink! Try many (many!) different sex partners.

And try to get out of the self-talk that you are defunct. You are a unique being. No one's sexuality will be quite like yours. You don't have to align your sexuality with the world. You can make your own rules. You just have to find the right people that match your groove and get you off.

Love, Beastly