Ask Beastly: My Gay Thoughts Won’t Go Away. Am I Gay or Bi?

A 30-year-old reader still hopes their same-sex attraction will vanish.

Hi there.

I stumbled upon your site after some soul-searching. Pretty new here, but already really appreciate what you've done. Great site!

Anyway, long story short, I'm a guy (he/him) who's attracted to both men and women. Most of my sexual fantasies involve other men. I sometimes find myself longing to be in an intimate relationship with another man. I'm nearly 30, and I've barely dated anyone except for two girls. Mostly because my career is challenging, and I went to graduate school while working during my 20s. I'm also religious. Still a virgin.

Should I start dating women before deciding that it's another man I want? Part of me still hopes that the gay attraction will go away, but I've lived long enough with same-sex attraction to know it probably won't. Thoughts?

Howdy,

Though I do not know you personally, I'd say from your question that you are bisexual. A bisexual is someone attracted to two genders — usually men and women, though not always.

I'm not bisexual, but friends who are bisexual have explained that desire and romance often take different forms depending on the gender of the person they're connected to. A bi guy might have more casual sex with men, but more intimate relationships with women — or vice versa. Your sexual fantasies are about men. Your attraction to women might be more romance/connection-focused.

Your question makes it clear that you think you have to make a choice: men or women. You don't! You can have separate, tandem journeys with men and women. Date whoever you connect with next and try not to get hung up on their gender. You've dated women, so you know you can. If the next person you connect with is a woman, great. If the next person is a man, great. Why worry about it?

The "gay attraction" is not going away. You can put that fantasy to bed. You're thirty. You're an adult — puberty has been over for more than a decade. You are fully formed. Before modern medicine, you'd be over halfway through your lifetime. All the shame and hand-wringing — plus a lifetime of religion — have not changed you. Nothing has the power to rewrite your genes. You are as you are. You are attracted to men (and, probably, to some extent, women). That is the reality of the situation.

So, you have two options. You can live in self-denial for the rest of your life and wonder "what if?" forever, and work very hard (and be miserable) trying to ignore your attraction to men — or you can accept it, see it as a good thing, and work to satisfy your desires.

Thankfully, there are more ways to satisfy those “gay desires” now than ever before. You have smartphone apps like Grindr and Scruff at your fingertips (which can give you some anonymity while you explore). There are countless websites providing information on how to have gay sex and prepare for it. There are numerous chat rooms, social platforms, and more where you can chat with gay and bisexual men all over the world. Today, it is so easy to talk to a homosexual. Do it.

Love, Beastly