Ask Beastly: Can Long-Distance Kink Work?

What to know before starting a D/s relationship with miles between you.

Hello Beastly,

My name is Jim, and I have recently connected with a man who has intrigued me on so many levels that I'm agog. One of the things I saw you had written was to "take it slow". He and I agree with that premise, and the fact that we're about 200 miles apart enforces that idea. In our many discussions about likes/dislikes, wants/needs, needs/fantasies, he says he is submissive, and from a description of a fantasy I had acted out with a fuck buddy in the past, he said I was "natural" at being a "dom". My question to you is, what can you suggest to me to better understand the D/s scene? I really want to do everything possible to get this man into my life. We both have had some tantric experiences in our pasts and have connected mentally and spiritually, and will be physical soon. I want to please him as much as he wants to please me. Any advice is most welcome.

Thank you, Jim

Howdy Jim,

If you've read this blog before, you know I think long-distance relationships—LDRs—are, in most cases, a bad idea. A relationship needs just one thing to work: time together, face-to-face. LDRs rarely work because they do not have this basic requirement for intimacy.

They work best when they are temporary situations with precise end dates and are better for those who start relationships in person before being forced into long-distance due to life circumstances (jobs, military service, and so on), and even these often fail. It's hard to keep a connection strong when you can't physically be together, and it's hard—impossible, even—to start a relationship this way.

With kink relationships, which require an extra level of communication—a deeper, more intense intimacy—I think it's even more important to start it in person.

How to learn kink relationships? There is no 101 course, no primer. There are books and kinky conventions and gatherings that sometimes have demos and workshops, and these are great for all kinksters (kinky people). Some books I recommend are Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice by Mark Thompson, Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, and this book duo, The (New) Topping Book and The (New) Bottoming Book, both by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (authors of The Ethical Slut). And since I own this site, I can plug my book too: My Love Is a Beast: Confessions is a deep look into one man's kink life (mine).

Additionally, an upcoming book from Unbound Editions Press, to which I contributed, will be a beautiful addition to the kink shelf when it arrives. Some great voices are in it. But I can't say more about it yet.

But reading is not living. Kink conventions, such as CLAW in Cleveland, often include workshops and require travel. Most of your kink education will not come from these events. It will come from real-life playtime.

Kink and D/S relationships are often learned at the personal level, one-on-one, with others who have more experience. That’s true, really, of all sex. No one goes to sex class. Some countries are better at mandating sex education in schools, but no one takes a course in kink, and the world is poorer for it. We learn life’s best and hardest things—sex and love—on our own, messily, through personal experience. Sex is arguably life’s only purpose, yet we do it unaided and rather badly. Most humans, I wager, go through life having lacklustre sex. The best we can do is find good sex partners who know more than we do and can teach us things.

That’s how I learned kink. It’s a shame my journey had so many mistakes and bad experiences, but how else? With failure and repetition, we learn the ropes. Literally.

However, sometimes it’s good to enlist an expert. Meet my friend Phil, a kink educator who has an online course on D/s relationships. I like getting second opinions, especially from experts, and he is one.

Master Phil is an online BDSM coach and educator. His journey as a slave led to a global exploration of the master/slave scene. He served masters long-term from Australia to the United States and South Africa to Finland. Now he trains his own slaves as a master, writes content about kink, and publishes a podcast on D/S relationships on his website, masterslavelifestyle.com.

This is what Master Phil said in response to your question:

This is an excellent question from Jim. Power exchange comes with some of the most intense connections you can find (however, given my own preferences, I may be biased here!)

Jim needs to start by separating fantasy from reality. When we take our first steps in power exchange, we confuse what is possible between reality and fantasy. We can build up expectations to such an extent that we can only be disappointed when the fantasy in our minds breaks down in the face of reality. 

This can be even more the case with Jim and his potential sub. They are two hundred miles apart and have yet to meet. Right now, the most they can do is project their ideal fantasies onto each other. And the more time they take to meet, the more they can feed these ideal fantasies. 

There are steps Jim and his potential submissive can take to avoid these traps.

First, Jim should find authoritative content to help inform him of what is possible. My website, masterslavelifestyle.com, contains articles that can help, along with podcast interviews of real people living the lifestyle. Ignore porn and fantasy stories. These do not help with reality.

Second, Jim needs to ask himself how a weekend or night would work for a first visit. It’s easy to fantasise about key moments you would like to cum to. But if Jim is going to have someone visit for a weekend, how will the weekend unfold hour by hour? Will the submissive do the cleaning? What happens in the hours when there is no sex? Will you go out for brunch and shopping? Will the submissive be in 24/7 captivity? Really think through the time. After all, you can’t have sex all the time. Check what is realistic for a first meeting. 

Thirdly, Jim and the submissive must speak openly about each other’s needs and wants and what they want to try and not try. Ensure both sides set expectations of what will and (just as important) will not happen and are clear about what is realistic. What are the limits and boundaries? What are the unknowns — things they might want to try but might discover they do not like doing? 

I’ve got a question I would like Jim to consider: If he found someone twenty minutes away who was a submissive and wanted the same as him, and they could meet next weekend, would Jim agree to meet and dominate this person? Or would it feel too soon, like he’s not ready?

It’s normal to feel nervous and anxious when you take your first steps as a Dom (I was very nervous in my first session). But sometimes we prefer to stay in the fantasy space with someone we will never meet. By answering this question, Jim can determine whether he’s enjoying the fantasy more — and there is nothing wrong with that — or if he really wants to experience power exchange.

If Jim wants to explore power exchange, he must act and build on experiences. Starting now with people closer does not stop Jim from meeting this submissive later on when they are both ready. But working locally allows him to build experience and knowledge right now.

Thanks for messaging, Jim. Good luck.

Love, Beastly