Ask Beastly: No One Talked to Me at My First Leather Night

The first time can be rough. Go back anyway.

Hi Alex,

I have been following you for a while, and I'm currently trying to read all your articles wherever I can. I feel that you are inspirational, and I really appreciate it.

I'm not here to ask a question. I just wanted to share a story with you. I don't know to whom else I should tell this. So, I just came back from a fetish night held by the local leather community in Milan. It was my first time attending this kind of event, and I didn't really enjoy it. I can't help but think it was because of my race. I'm Southeast Asian btw.

I saw some people talking at the bar, so I tried to talk to them, which took me a lot of courage. I didn't really get a good response, and I currently don't feel good about myself. A person talked to me while trying to find a way to escape, you know, it showed that they were interested in something else. Others either didn't hear me or pretended that they didn't hear me. Some people were nice, but that was only very few of them.

That didn't include the time when I tried to touch someone; to keep it short, I didn't do anything during the event, just talked to some people and went around the venue, basically. I didn't even kiss anyone.

I don't know, I just feel sad and really bad about myself now. I can't help but think if this would always happen to me or if it was really just because I was not there at the right moment. I don't know if I should try to go to their other events. I feel like I should give it another try, but I also don't want to feel this way again.

I'm sorry, I know it's too long, but I wanted to share this with you.

Thank you for reading.

Cheers,

Kukuh (he/they)

Hey Kukuh,

Thank you for the kind message. I’ll be honest, it breaks my heart and makes me want to take you right now to the leather bars I love. I am sorry you had that night. Yes, go to another event. And another. And another. Forever.

Why? Because you wanted to be there, you were drawn to it, and that means you belong. The only prerequisite for being part of the leather community is having the desire to be there, to be drawn to it. Sometimes the crowd will be fun and receptive, and at other times, it won’t. Every gay man has nights that are blows to our confidence and make us feel unattractive. I have. But in time, my hope for all of us is that these nights get balanced out by good ones—by the nights when it clicks, when the gay gods smile on us and we have fun.

I don’t know what it’s like to be Southeast Asian in Milan and can’t speak from that experience, but racism is probably at play, to some extent, in every gay space all over the world. I hate that, but that’s real.

And that’s not the only thing happening. In a crowd, a club, a bar night, whatever, there are a million tiny social events happening, most of which are unknown and unknowable to you and everyone else there. The two hot guys who arrived together that everyone wants to fuck? They’re secretly going through a long, messy breakup, and that’s why they’re mean and rude to everyone. The guy fucking everyone in the back? He’s high and won’t remember any of it.

Some substantial percentage of the crowd is simply nervous, too nervous to be receptive to a nice conversation starter. A significant portion of the crowd is simply too drunk. Some guys are trying to avoid exes and friends. Some are searching for a specific person, and no one else matters to them. Friends are looking for each other and friends are bickering. Many guys who are simply not nice to people who they have no interest in fucking, and some guys want nothing more than to make small talk with a stranger and who have little or no interest in sex.

All this is happening in what appears to be a group of people simply hanging out, dancing, and getting drinks. That’s a gay bar.

A crowd on any night, in any place, is so unpredictable that even seasoned DJs and professional party promoters (I know several) can’t fully predict how an event will go. Navigating all this as someone new to the space, who is hoping to have a good time, is, I admit, daunting. But you must keep doing it. You do it again and again, and, gradually, navigating these spaces gets easier.

The wonderful thing is that, from all that chaos, with so many fears and insecurities at play, it's a wonder gay events are enjoyable for anyone, so when they are, when you go home happy, you can't predict that either. I go out a lot and still can't.

Sometimes the heavens open, the music hits, and suddenly you're dancing and kissing a beautiful man you'll never see again. When that happens, it feels like touching a blessing, a moment of life as brief and wondrous as a shooting star.

Those nights will come. Promise.

Love, Beastly