Ask Beastly: Can I Marry a Woman If I’m Attracted to Men?

You need sex before you choose a spouse.

Hey, this is Jeffrey. I've always identified as bi, but a friend has mentioned that since I've virtually dated men since high school (I'm 28) and my attractions to them are stronger as of now, that means I'm gay. I tried it out, but I don't feel it describes me accurately, and I was told I'd be doing an act of cruelty by marrying a woman, even though that's what I've always planned, always had crushes on girls and had a girlfriend over a decade ago. I am saving sex for marriage but I was planning on marrying a woman but my friend (elder friend who was involved with ex-gay ministries back in the day but no longer is) told me that that's evil, so I'd have to stick with guys...even though I don't see myself marrying a man. I'm just figuring it out. Thanks, Jeffrey

Hey Jeffrey.

Everyone needs time to figure things out. And “figuring things out” never stops. I’m still doing it. Let’s start by distancing ourselves from people who call anything we do “evil.” That person is not a friend. 

I don’t care that he (allegedly) isn’t involved in so-called “ex-gay therapy” anymore, though that history alone is reason enough to distrust him. Marrying a woman when you are not attracted to women would be many things—mean, unrealistic, selfish—but not evil.  The word “evil” smacks of moral judgment and sin. Stay away from those who judge the complexities of your needs and desires in such loaded, Biblical terms.

Jeffrey, you might be bisexual. But as long as you plan to save sex for marriage—as long as you avoid sex—you will avoid the sexual experience you need to know for sure what you are and what you like. 

Think about how shitty it would be to marry a woman, have sex with her, and then learn that sex with women is not something you like. That would put you and her in a painful, potentially years-long, toxic situation that would eventually end badly.

I’m not here to argue that “saving oneself for marriage” is right or wrong. I simply think it’s impractical, and it makes marriages worse. 

Ideally, a good spouse knows a thing or two about sex—hopefully, they’re good at it. Learning sex is hard. It’s complex. Think about how challenging it must be to work through sex with someone you’ve promised yourself to, for life. The stakes would be so much higher. Mistakes would matter more. What if you and your wife simply don’t have good sexual chemistry? Then you are both stuck, trapped. 

Everyone would rather have a husband or wife who knows sex and is good at it, even if they say otherwise. You should have sex with someone before marrying them—ideally, many times. That way, you’ll know if you want to keep having sex with them for years. 

You need sex, Jeffrey. And since, by your own admission, you are attracted to both men and women, you need sex with men and women, long before you make any decisions about marriage. You need to experience sex with both genders so you can confirm, decisively, if you are bisexual or gay, because your future spouse needs and deserves to know that information as much as you do.

Having sex now will make you a better boyfriend and partner to someone in the future. Do them—and yourself—a favour. Go have sex. Lots of it.

Love, Beastly