Ask Beastly: Is It Okay to Take a Break from Sex?

When your body and heart are tired, the smart thing to do is rest.

First, thanks for what you do. Your articles have been helpful to me, so I'm hoping you can help me again.

Lately, I've wanted to take a break from sex. For one, I have a pesky anal fissure that's been reopening on and off for months. (My doctors say it's not serious and gave me a cream, but I'm still scared. any advice?) Even from a topping perspective, though, I've been feeling disconnected or objectified by my partners. Because I genuinely want something emotionally and romantically substantial with someone, these experiences have been doing more harm than good to my heart.

My problem is that I feel a sense of shame around taking a break because people around me talk about sex all the time, and they often ask me about my sex life, which makes me uncomfortable, so I pressure myself to go to bed with guys to fit in or be "normal." I hope you don't see this post as sex negative, but I was just wondering what your thoughts are on taking a little sex hiatus in a situation like this.

If the right guy comes along and we emotionally click, then of course I'd love to go to bed with him, but I don't see that person right now. I'd rather focus on healing my body and investing in my hobbies than finding my next fuck, especially when it's been making me feel so empty or sad lately. Have you ever had times like this in your life? Do you ever feel shame or pressure with respect to going a while without a hookup, voluntarily or otherwise? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Romantic Thot (he/him)

Hey Romantic Thot,

Only a sexually illiterate person would not understand your message. Of course I take sex breaks—for the same reasons you describe. Sometimes it’s just not feeling good. If something isn't feeling right, that’s a good sign to stop doing it, at least temporarily.

Babe, you should never go home with someone out of obligation. Every sexually active person takes breaks. I’d wager that the sex pros of the world—the advanced, serious sluts—are well attuned to their bodies’ needs to know when they need longer breaks to focus on self, and they do. I do.

People read my work and think I’m a maniacal sex demon who’s fucking someone every three hours. I get messages from people like this a lot: “I love your work. When was the last time you got fisted?”

They’re expecting something juicy. They want to ogle at my sluttiness like it’s a public performance and are often disappointed when I tell them I had sex last week, or maybe the week before. I’m a 32-year-old working professional with a full-time job and multiple assignments at any given moment. I have a quiet, normal, bookish life. And I am, I’m proud to say, a sex pro. I’m good at this. When I go out, I go out.

But only when I want to. And at this stage of my sexual development, I love the lulls, the breaks, the quiet weeks, just as much as I love the fever. I’m more productive in them, and they are vital for my mental health.

My sex life is made of little bursts of activity between long, quiet periods of work, focus, and self-care. If you are not getting what you need out of sex and feel you need to put more time and energy into yourself, your mental health, or into the kinds of connections you need right now, that is wisdom. That’s being an adult.

There is no standard sexual frequency adults should have. The amount of sex an adult can enjoy will change depending on their mood, energy, hormones, work, time commitments, relationships, and so many other factors (location, pets, sleep, income) that it’s impossible to say how much sex an “average” man has, or how often.

There is no average. There is no normal. You should only do what you want and what feels right. If you have friends who belittle or shame the amount of sex you’re having as either too much or too little, that shows nothing more than an immature understanding of sex on their part, and you should decide if these friends are good, healthy, affirming connections in your life.

Sorry to put that bluntly—I’m sure your friends are lovely—but we all need people who encourage us to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.

I don’t do “involuntary” hookups. You shouldn’t either. That sounds awful.

Love, Beastly