Ask Beastly: I’m Getting Used, But Not How I Want

When your dom won’t meet all your needs.

Hi,

First, I want to say that I truly appreciate your writing and advice. Through your book and answers to questions, I feel that I am understood and share in an intimacy of complete freedom in my desires and sex-ploits. (Not sure where that word came from, but sex and exploits both came to mind.)

Question: I am in a committed relationship where our sexual roles are based around my partner being the Boot Superior and I tend to all things Boots, oral servicing him, and his desires of my being a toilet. I do love drinking from the tap and want to explore scat, but I fear that it might compromise my health. My partner has never fucked me as he says it’s not his thing. I really would like to satisfy that need and wonder if it would be reasonable to find someone who would satisfy this need I have; I love our sex together, but wish it would include this, and he is not interested.

He has some boot subs now and then who come and service his boots, and he is still on the Site we met on, Coyotes Ponding, with lots of others. I am no longer on that site. (Leather site). If I find tops that would top me along with drinking from the tap and sucking and rimming them; I feel like I need to do this anonymously but wondered if that makes sense? I long for the ripe, stench of inhaling another man's stench off his dick and pits and inhaling it while getting fucked. This intimacy is a different way than his boot-licking subs, but is equally important and feels like something that is a different need. But then again is it fair to justify boot licking and anal sex as being fair game?

Thanks so much.

Nick (He/him)

Hey Nick,

Thanks for reading my book. That means a lot to me.

In this scenario, the specifics of your kink—of your particular fantasy—don’t matter. The fact is, you are in a relationship that is not fulfilling all of your sexual needs. Your question does not clarify if you and Boot Master are monogamous, but if you are, he is keeping you from fulfilling your needs elsewhere while simultaneously refusing to satisfy them himself. At the same time, he is getting service from others. That's not very fair. Have you tried honesty? Just talking to him about this?

Ask him directly if you can seek anal sex from others, or tell him that you need him to put in the effort, man up, and fuck you. If he says no to both, you need to a) live without these needs met, b) break up and find someone who fulfils more of your needs (no one can or will fulfil all of them), or c) fulfil your needs with others discreetly (cheat) with full awareness that he will probably find out.

Those are the only options. Despite the kinky nature of your relationship, these are the same options for all couples, kinky or vanilla, in your situation—all the (many) couples who, for reasons that still baffle me, are sexually exclusive yet unwilling to satisfy the sexual needs of their partners. It’s the bad deal of monogamy: If you choose to do it, you must try, to the best of your ability, to satisfy all your partner’s sexual needs. If you can’t do that—and in the real world and on a long enough timeline, no one can—you must either separate or make allowances for sex with others.

That is the fact of it. Sadly, many couples cannot bear the idea of giving their partners permission to fuck someone else, so they split. But you don’t have to. If you communicate well, you can keep the good things you have and get your butt loved elsewhere.

Love, Beastly