Ask Beastly: I’m a Woman—Why Do I Have These Dark Fantasies?

With guest insights from kink icon Race Bannon.

Hello Alexander,

I recently came across this article you wrote in 2017 about sexual fantasies that need to be talked about. You talk about fantasies in which someone is the perpetrator of nonconsensual acts like groping people in public or molesting people in their sleep, but what I am curious about is why I have fantasies in which I am the one being molested in my sleep, or am the young girl being molested by an adult? I am a straight female, and I have never actually experienced any kind of sexual abuse in this lifetime, yet I fantasize about it. Do you have any thoughts on this?

Thank you, Shelli

Hey Shelli,

In that article, I wrote that there are many fetishes out there. Thousands. There is a fetish for everything under the sun, including the sun ("actirasty"). But many—maybe most—are not welcome in the kink community because they break the rules.

For a fetish to be sanctioned as part of healthy and socially acceptable kink, it must meet the criteria of "safe, sane, and consensual" or "risk-aware and consensual”. These mantras create a boundary between kink and actual harm.

Sometimes I like to have a second opinion—especially when it comes to delicate topics like this. So I sent your question to my friend Race Bannon.

Race has championed my work since the beginning of my career, which is quite a compliment: he’s been writing about kink on the indie circuit for longer than I’ve been alive. He is an activist, community organiser, and proud kinkster.

Over the years, the sheer number of people I’ve met around the world who know, love, and respect Race proves how tightly knit the global kink community can be, and how one kind, good person can rise to become an authority figure in it. Race has accrued a lifetime of advice and wisdom in this area. Here’s his response.

Hey Shelli!

Having spent decades writing about and discussing sexuality with a wide assortment of people, I've come to realize that our erotic fantasies often fall outside of the bounds of legality, safety, or even common decency. Why do people have these types of fantasies? I have no idea. But I have learned some things which I'm happy to share.

Erotic fantasies are not constrained by reality. That's the gist of what "fantasy" means. One of the word's most common definitions is "that which comes from one's imagination." In other words, we quite literally make them up out of thin air.

Well, not entirely from thin air. Our fantasies are an amalgam of who we are as individuals, mixed with the cultural references we live in. From all this, our minds create a unique stew of our own concoction in which our fantasies emerge. There are theories about why we fantasize, but regardless of the reasons, we all do it—all of us, at least to some extent, and I contend this includes sexual fantasies too. Because we make fantasies up as an imagined reality in our minds, there is no reason whatsoever for them to be hobbled by outside rules or influences as long as our actions never violate that which is considered consensual and safe behavior in real life.

Sexual fantasies aren't always representative of socially acceptable behavior. In fact, quite often their out-of-bounds nature is why they're so alluring. Plus, our fantasies align in our minds all the factors at play to perfection to produce an idealized scenario that feeds our erotic self-entertainment. This perfect alignment of elements rarely happens in real life.

In the kink world, I think many people feel like the stuff we kinksters do has been happening since the beginning of kink's existence. Not so. Whether it's the styles of erotic play we enjoy, the gear we sometimes utilize to facilitate that play, or the kink social circles in which we navigate, they're all a process of change over time. Much of that change started as a seed of fantasy in someone's mind that they manifested into reality. Some of what manifested caught on with others, and entire kink subcultures emerged around what started perhaps as a solo fantasy, once upon a time. But back to what's okay and not okay to think about in erotic fantasies: I'm going to go out on a strong limb and state directly that no fantasy is off-limits if it stays only in your own mind. In real life, no fantasy between consenting adults that is honestly negotiated and abides by the realities of physical and emotional safety is off-limits.

Does that mean every fantasy should manifest into a reality? No. Many fantasies must remain only fantasies. I have recurring fantasies of being able to jump off a mountaintop and fly safely to the ground. These aren't "jumping to my death" fantasies. For some reason, the fantasy of being able to fly like that has popped into my brain periodically for as long as I can remember. Should I jump off a mountain and give it a try? No. That would be unwise, unsafe, and violate my own well-being, let alone the laws of gravity.

I'll state the obvious here: if any fantasy nudges you to do something dangerous, illegal, or nonconsensual, then it might be time to seek professional help in the form of therapeutic counseling. But overall, fantasies that remain in our minds or are acted out in managed erotic play scenarios between consenting adults (that's the crux of the "safe, sane, and consensual" or "risk-aware consensual kink" ethos that pervades all sex communities) are fine.

Attempting to determine exactly where one's fantasies come from is truly a needle-in-a-haystack endeavor. We can never know with any certainty where fantasies come from, but we can make sure that if we act them out, we do so in safe and consensual ways, or—as in the case of many edgier fantasies—they must remain exclusively in the mind as fodder for solo masturbation pleasure.

Words from the master. Thanks, Race!

Shelli, you are into power exchange. The exact details of this power exchange fantasy can't (and shouldn't) be experienced in real life. But take heart! You are likely into more kinds of power exchange than you think. “Power exchange” is a broad category for countless different kinks and fetishes, and there are probably many power exchange scenarios that are safe, sane, and consensual that will scratch that itch in you and turn you on. You just have to explore them.

You want to have power taken away, by force, from someone in a position of power over you. Me too! There are many things for people like us to enjoy that don't involve actual abuse or nonconsent.

Enjoy your fantasy life—it's something that makes you who you are. Just know where the line between fantasy and reality is, and know the limits imposed by that line. That line must be maintained for the mental and physical well-being of everyone.

You are not alone in this fantasy. If you hunt for others, you will likely find playmates willing to role-play this fantasy with you. Better yet, explore all the other forms of power play and power exchange that are available and find one that is safer and more enjoyable for you. There’s a great kinky buffet table waiting for you—try ‘em all.

Love, Beastly