Ask Beastly: A Guide to Gay Slang for Late Bloomers
A quick guide to gay slang, from cottaging to Kylie.
As someone who came onto the gay scene late—I was 60—the terminology baffled me and I felt stupid. An article would be good. Had not the faintest idea what the following meant: water sports, cruising, cottaging, snowballing, Dorothy, Kylie, etc, etc
Howdy!
Gay lexicon is presumed universal—understood by gay men everywhere, of all generations—but of course, it’s not. So, some bafflement is understandable. All this is new.
In the U.S., we don’t say poofter and friend of Dorothy because these are British terms and very old-fashioned. Similarly, the “she” and “girl” thing that gays in the U.S. do (referring to people and things in a friendly manner, regardless of their gender, with feminine pronouns) has deep, historical roots there, but not so much in other parts of the world.
And then, there’s just age and generation difference. My life and times limit my understanding of the terms. My explanations will sound quaint and old-fashioned by the time I'm your age. By then, there will be a whole slew of new words to learn.
I’m only in my thirties, yet the language has changed profoundly since I came out. Yes, it’s frustrating. Many older gay and queer men feel justifiably irritated when younger ones tell them how to speak and what words to use—indeed, many bristle at “queer” itself. But that’s the nature of language—it changes. It’s always changing.
All this is to say that you’re not alone with these questions. You say you came out “late,” but you would have had to learn new words coming out at any age, so let’s just start with some gratitude that you were able to come out at all. Many people never do. You came out when it was the right time for you. Learning these new terms is just part of the process.
Luckily, some words have more staying power than others, perhaps because they’re so useful, like “top” and “bottom.” But even these have a new contender, one that only came about in recent years: “side.” To start, read my old post on gay vocabulary. I update it regularly and add new words every few years. Next, read my guide in The Advocate on kinky terms. I don’t know what you’re into, but it might be helpful.
I'll tackle the specific words you mention. Water sports is piss play—any sex act that involves urine (peeing on someone, peeing in someone, drinking piss, and so on). Example: “Hey, I’m really into water sports!” That means you’re into piss.
Cruising means looking for sex at a physical location, typically in places known among guys like us to be good spots where you can get lucky. Example: “Hey, there’s a good cruising bar in the East Village.” Or: “I left my buddies to go cruise in the park. Sometimes you can find hot guys having sex in the trees there.”
These spaces are referred to as “cruising zones,” “cruising grounds,” or “cruising spots.” They may be public toilets, parks, certain bars (or lights-out rooms inside certain bars, often called “backrooms”), public beaches (or specific parts of a beach), porn shops, sex clubs, bathhouses, video arcades, and so on. The book (analog) Cruising by Leo Herrera is an excellent guide to in-person cruising.
Cottaging is antiquated British slang for having gay sex in a public bathroom. This is another example of a term that is not universal—it appears to have been primarily used in the U.K. and seems to be no longer in use.
I have never heard of “Dorothy” by itself being a gay slang term, but friend of Dorothy, mentioned above, is old-fashioned British slang for a gay man.
“Kylie” is also not expressly a gay slang term—it just refers to the singer (and gay icon) Kylie Minogue. A gay icon, by the way, is a public figure, typically a woman and usually a singer (though not always), who historically has a large gay fan base. Examples include Judy Garland, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Kylie Minogue, and Liza Minnelli, among others. Debate rages among gay men over which famous women are gay icons and which are not. I’m American, so I’d never instinctively call Kylie Minogue a gay icon, because we have Madonna.
Love, Beastly