Ask Beastly: How Do I Talk About My Trans Partner’s Body During Sex?

Ask what words to use—and use them right.

Love following you on social, so now subscribing to your blog after the prompt on FB!

I haven’t gone through and read all your blogs, so not sure if you’ve answered anything like this, but I’m newly dating a trans man. I’m nonbinary myself, but this is a new journey for me, especially as a bottom.

I’m loving the experience of dating someone else who isn’t a cis man, as at times it can be tiring to explain and request the use of my correct pronouns, ask not to be called “boy” “dude” or “sir”, and sometimes I’m truly met with strong pushback. I had a guy react strongly to my painted nails the other day.

Curious if you have any experience dating or having sex with trans men or nonbinary people that would be worth sharing? How have you navigated that? Any tips to share, especially for the cis men that follow you?

Hi there!

Thanks for this. You’re giving me a prompt to write about rather than explicitly asking a question for yourself, and that’s not really what I do here—it’s the equivalent of saying, “Hey, you should write about XYZ!” (which most writers, I must tell you, do not love). But I’ll allow it this time because I think this topic is important.

I have never dated a trans person, but I have had sex with many trans and nonbinary people, primarily trans men. The only advice I can offer is not to dance around their transness. Be blunt. Ask questions. Ask for pronouns. Ask about the experience. Ask what words to use for their parts. Ask, ask, ask!

The only thing you should not ask about is their dead name—the name a trans person had pretransition. That name is no one’s business but theirs and should never be asked about or used when talking to them. You don’t need to know it.

Asking about body parts is most important. I have sex with a trans man who calls his clitoris his “little dick.” I have sex with another nonbinary transmasculine guy who is into fisting and refers to his hands as his dick, but he also likes me to lick his pussy and tits—which he calls “pussy” and “tits.”

Our bodies are ours to create and understand. The words we use for our parts are the only right words. I am not trans, but I have put countless hours in the gym, plus medication and therapy and at least ten thousand dollars worth of tattoos, into making the body I have reflect the gender presentation I feel best with: my body is mine to label and name. I believe everyone should be afforded the same courtesy.

The greatest agency most of us will ever have is over our flesh and blood, so our words for it matter. Language is the dominion of the self over the body. Language is how we wrangle identity out of the gruelling experience of living. Ask your trans friends and lovers what words to use for their parts, and use them.

Love, Beastly