Ask Beastly: How Do I Get My Girlfriend Into Assplay?
Straight guy, kinky butt. Here’s how to play well together.
Hello. My name is Kyle and well, I like things in my butt. I have gotten my gf into playing with me, though it's not her favourite. I hope you can help with a few questions. One being, do you have any advice on how to get my girl more into it? Two, it turns me on to take larger and larger toys, which is what I want, but how do I stop my body from pushing once I get it in? Three, I don't have "small" toys by any means, but I can't seem to gape. I'd love to have my ass just hang open. And four, any tips on helping achieve prostate orgasm? I'd love to be able to leak over and over while being penetrated. Thanks so much!
Hey Kyle!
Since you laid out your questions neatly, I’ll answer them in the order in which they are asked.
One: You can’t make someone interested in a sexual activity. They are, or they aren’t. If this activity is important to you—and it sounds like it is—then you must look for women who are into it.
Which means you might need to search specific websites, chat rooms, kinky spaces, and online groups. Those women are out there, and they are very fun. (I like the same things you do.) You just have to find them.
Two: By “pushing,” I assume you mean pushing out. Every bottom does this a little bit, but some butts are natural “pushers” and push out more than others.
If you’re one, that means you’re straining, “bearing down,” pushing out with your ass muscles, so the muscles of your hole and rectum are not relaxed. They’re active, tense. As long as you do this, you will never be able to gape or have bigger toys in you. Assplay is a process of learning the mind-body connection, learning to soften and relax, to be opened by someone rather than forcibly opening yourself.
In most cases, “pushers” just need more experience. Some swear that marijuana helps them relax. I think meditation and breathing exercises are great for this. (Meditation is great for other things too—it is the most important ritual of my life.)
Three: Your “pusher” butt is keeping you from gaping. If you were more advanced, more sloppy—if you were, say, an experienced fisting bottom—your “pushing” would result in a rosebud. Yours would be one of those butts that naturally bloom and puff outward.
I’m not a bloomer. I’m a gaper. I gape—easily, naturally—because I don’t push. Some tops even wish I pushed out more. They tell me to push out because they want to see me bloom. But that’s not how my butt naturally performs, so I have to focus on pushing when they tell me to do that. You don’t—you do it naturally.
That doesn’t mean you can’t learn to gape—you can, just as I’ve learned to push. Read this post about how certain toys (butt plugs) can train a hole to gape.
Think of your body and your ass as a soft, relaxed, passive thing—an open tunnel asking to be filled and stretched, not demanding it. You are letting someone stretch you out, so your job is to go limp and let it happen, rather than forcing it. You don’t need to bear down on a toy and force it in. Surrender control and let her slide it in when she sees you soften and knows you’re ready.
Four: In my experience, prostate orgasm is tricky. I have only achieved it with certain people, in certain situations, on certain substances. I can’t take any prostate toy and enjoy it—mostly, I find them painful.
Some guys achieve prostate orgasm more easily than others, and that is specific to their minds and bodies. Like any sexual journey with the body, you just need to experiment, play, and decide for yourself if it feels good to your body. If you’ve been doing this and have not had great results, you might not have a body that responds much to prostate stimulation.
If so, you’re not the only one. Some guys love prostate play. Many do not. If that’s you, that’s fine.
There are many incredible sensations and orgasms to explore and experience. Some orgasms happen by stimulating the penis; some orgasms happen from stimulating the anal sphincter. Some people experience orgasms from nipple play. There’s a lot.
No one likes all of them, but you have multiple channels to orgasm, because everyone does. Surf the buffet. Try everything.
Love, Beastly