Ask Beastly: Can I Be a Good Dad and a Good Slut?
Shame kills the joy in sex—and it doesn’t have to.
Hi Alexander, my name is Scott. Im 50 years old and have massive slut desires. I am a single dad who raised a child on my own. I have recently came to terms with my wanton desires to be a total slut; however, when I do so, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am taking time away from my child, I am fearful that he will find out that his alpha dad is a submissive whore. I am at total war with who I want to be and who I feel I should be. When I go to parties and take random cock, I feel amazing. But as soon as I leave and start the drive home, I begin to beat myself up. I regret doing this for myself and not spending time with my child. I will then withdraw into a shell for several months and not play at all due to the guilt I feel. I have no one to turn to for encouragement and am unsure what to do.
Scott
Hey Scott.
Many guys reading this will think your message is hot. Father by day, cum slut by night. It's a great life. It makes you interesting and cool. I wish you thought so too.
There’s likely nothing I can write to make you stop feeling shame. Shame is the enemy: nobody talks about it, and it’s rarely discussed as one of society’s great problems, but it sickens and kills people every day. Shame ruins countless lives that would otherwise be happy and fulfilled. Shame is not helping you here, Scott.
Shame is arguably a bigger deal than depression (in many cases, it is depression) and more widespread than the opioid crisis, though it exacerbates both. The reason shame is hard to understand, why it feels like an invisible plague, is that there’s no proven therapy, no clear way to fight it. The cure is personal. It’s something you have to work on for yourself, within yourself. The way you battle shame will be tailored to your unique life circumstances. Your approach to fighting it might not work for anyone else. You make your own cure. Therapists help, and everybody needs one, but the real work happens in you, by you.
Some people think shame is good. Some sociologists argue that shame keeps us in our lanes, encouraging us to behave as law-abiding citizens. I see their argument. A shame-free populace might be more inclined to break the law and disregard social customs. Donald Trump is a shameless political figure and has made his followers equally shameless and emboldened. They are now less discreet with their racism and hate. So yes, some shame is good. Racism should be shamed.
But much shame—most shame, perhaps—is not good and not necessary for social order. This is the shame most gay men are taught to feel as kids. When we become adults, after growing up isolated and alone and being told that what we do in bed is disgusting, we feel shame. That’s the shame you’re feeling. You, who are pursuing a perfectly acceptable and exciting sex life, feel shame for what you want. The sex you enjoy is not destroying your life. It’s not taking love or care away from your child. If you’re keeping a job and paying the bills and not threatening the security of any important stuff in your life, you’re feeling shame for something with no major adverse side effects beyond the way or ways it makes you feel after it's done.
That, my friend, is bad shame. That's unhealthy shame. And it’s a shame shared by countless gay and queer men (and MSM) all over the world.
Do you think what you’re doing is ethically wrong or just irresponsible? Those are different things. Think about that. If you believe being a cum whore from time to time is morally, ethically wrong, that's a belief. We choose what we believe in—that’s part of being an adult—and it’s not my job to change your beliefs. Only you can do that.
If, however, you think it’s just irresponsible, I can work with that. First, ask yourself if there’s a reality in which you can live without any more fun, slutty nights. Is there? Realistically? No? Then build a reality in which you have these nights and minimise health risk within that reality.
My favorite fetish, fisting, has health risks. Most fist bottoms who play aggressively get injured, sometimes severely, at some point in their fisting lives. Every session I have could be the one that sends me to the hospital for surgery. So is fisting irresponsible? Maybe. Smoking and riding my bike without a helmet are far more likely to kill me, but fisting is not—and can never be—a risk-free activity. But is there a reality in which I give up fisting completely? No. So I have built a reality in which I minimise risk while still having the sex I need and love. So must you.
Sure, some doctors will say that being a cum whore is irresponsible. All wild, anonymous sex involves some risk of STI and HIV transmission. But there are steps you can take to have the most responsible version of that life, and those steps are quite few: take PrEP if you’re HIV-negative, TasP if you’re HIV-positive, and get regular STI screening. That’s it.
That means you need a good doctor and access to a good sexual health clinic, which can be tricky in some places. But if you do those things—regular health screening and taking the necessary medication—you’re being more responsible than most sexually active adults. If you do that, you are being responsible and still having wild, hardcore sex. When alcohol ads say "Please drink responsibly,” they don't mean to stop drinking. They mean, "Please take necessary steps to enjoy this product safely." Please enjoy your cum slut nights—responsibly. That doesn’t mean you should stop them. Get tested, take care of your health, and be prepared when an STI comes. That’s it!
Consider getting a therapist to help you work through the shame you are feeling about your perfectly normal, wonderful-sounding sex life. Your life sounds much like mine: I am a responsible working adult, yet I also enjoy weekends where I let loose and am a total pig. I do both. I am proud of both. You should be, too.
Love, Beastly