Animals Crawling on a Ball of Rock Hurtling Through Space

Atheism is not fear—it’s the courage to face life and death without illusions.

I’m Alexander Cheves, and this is LOVE, BEASTLY—a blog about sex, feelings, and manhood. It’s written mostly for men—gay, straight, bi, MSM, or just curious—but some readers are women, and some don’t fit into categories. Everyone’s welcome here.

This is one of my more personal essays—written only for subscribers.

Heads up: these can sometimes include explicit content or emotionally triggering subjects.

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The Greater Than AIDS Coalition of Savannah stopped for pizza somewhere outside Atlanta. Tired and grumbling, we unloaded from the van, happy for a break from the road—we had spent the last four hours cramped in a little bus we rented just for this occasion.

We were headed to the Georgia state Capitol to protest homophobic HIV legislation and ask Georgia representatives why HIV funds were being directed primarily to Atlanta, the capital city. The funds largely exclude Savannah, which had the second-highest HIV infection rate in the state.

"My partner died in 1981," a man said to the group, looking at the menu. "He was on AZT. When the new antiretrovirals came out, it was a godsend."

"I think God had nothing to do with it,” I said, also studying the menu. When I looked back up, everyone was looking at me.

"I’m sorry, but we did that," I said. "Gay men. Activists. We should be proud of our work. If God wanted to intervene—if he existed at all—he chose a really inopportune time to do so. Why didn’t he just prevent your partner from getting AIDS in the first place? Why didn’t he prevent everyone from getting it?”