Ask Beastly: I Had Prostate Surgery and a Penile Implant—Am I Still Desirable?

A 66-year-old man wrestles with a sexless relationship.

I want my partner to have anal with me. He won’t. He’s HIV undetectable. I had a prostatectomy 4 years ago, 2 years later a penial implant, and have light incontinence. So I use a vibrator by myself and not in me, just on my penis. The vibration is wonderful, a few squirts of pee (dry orgasm), pump up or unpumped. I still want more from my partner. Please help me. 66-year-old man. 

Hey fella,

I am sorry your partner will not have sex with you. I appreciate your bravery and honesty in sharing some of your physical struggles and telling me what life is like in your body. But this information is irrelevant: all bodies deserve sex.

You deserve intimacy and pleasure, no matter who you are or how your body works. If your partner does not give you that, he must give you permission to find someone who will. I do not know the parameters of your relationship or what your rules are, but if you are not open to the idea of having sex with other people, that must change. 

You might need to face a tough fact: Maybe he does not want sex with you anymore. He might still love you deeply, but the sex trigger has turned off. That is painful, but it happens all the time. This shutdown in him might have nothing to do with your body or everything to do with it. He cannot control his desires—or lack of them—any more than you can control yours.

You must love him enough to give him agency and let his desires (or lack thereof) be as they are, and he must do the same for you: He must recognise that you are a person with needs that are unmet. If he cannot meet them, you must satisfy them elsewhere.

I go on a lot about the value of sex workers because I was one. As a working boy, I helped many clients with physical struggles, men who had surgeries, cancer histories, disabilities, and other things that made sex difficult and frustrating, and it was a privilege to help them experience and enjoy sex again.

I am not in the business anymore, but there are many great sex workers out there. Find one. A sex worker can give you the confidence to start, like jumpstarting a car. You might find that a good, hired sexual experience can unlock your sexuality in a profound way. It can be the push you need to start looking around—among friends and former lovers, in gay spaces, and (if you dare) even apps—for more sex.

There are many men out there your age who have similar struggles and medical histories. They are all equally terrified at the idea of hunting for sex in the unforgiving meat market of gay culture. They are your peers, your brothers, and they need you as much as you need them. They need intimacy as much as you do and are waiting for someone like you to make the first move.

Love, Beastly