30 Gay Sex Terms Everyone Should Know
A beginner’s guide to the language of MSM desire.
I’m Alexander Cheves, and this is LOVE, BEASTLY—a blog about sex, feelings, and manhood. It’s written mostly for men—gay, straight, bi, MSM, or just curious—but some readers are women, and some don’t fit into categories. Everyone’s welcome here.
It’s a sad fact that most gay and queer men in school will not be taught what a "daddy" is. So this is a sex vocabulary lesson—a gay one.
Why do you need to know these words? When I was very young and not out yet, I was on a phone call with another gay kid in town, back when kids used landlines to call each other from their homes after school. I asked him if he knew any other gays. He said yes—his best friend was gay. I asked him why he could not date his best friend, and he said, "Because we're both bottoms." I had no idea what that meant, and he would not explain. I felt embarrassed.
I do not want any of my readers to feel that way. Becoming sexually active as a gay man, or just holding your own in gay chatter, involves absorbing an entirely new lexicon of words and knowing their various meanings. This is a basic list of the most common and well-recognised words used among our kind.
After reading this, to further your education, I encourage you to talk to gay elders. They can offer genuine advice that is far more useful than this post. But you may not have access to a gay elder. You may be living in the closet in a homophobic or religious home and have no one to talk to. If so, please know that this blog is here for you, as I am. Feel free to reach out.
Now, some vocabulary!
1. Gay: This word describes a man who is sexually and romantically attracted to other men. This is the word I use to describe myself. Mostly.
2. Bi/Bisexual: This word describes someone who is attracted to both men and women. (Beastly Edit: All words evolve, and years after I first wrote this post, I would hear arguments from bisexual people that "bisexual" can refer simply to someone attracted to two genders, not necessarily men and women, and therefore does not enforce a false gender binary. Since all these terms are malleable, choose the understanding of this term you like best, that fits best with what you feel.)
3. Lesbian: This word describes a woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to other women.
4. Transgender: Someone who identifies differently from the gender they were assigned at birth. A transgender woman may have been assigned male at birth, but her gender identity is female, and the proper way to address her is with she/her pronouns. The same is true for transgender men, with he/him pronouns.
5. Cisgender: Someone who identifies with the gender identity they were assigned at birth. I identify as male, and I was assigned male at birth, so I am cisgender.
6. Top: In gay sex, the top is the dominant, inserting sex partner.
7. Bottom: In gay sex, the bottom is the passive, receiving sexual partner.
8. Versatile: A word that describes men who prefer both the top and the bottom roles in gay sex.
9. Side: Gay and bisexual men who do not enjoy anal sex, but they may enjoy other sex acts like oral sex, touching, kissing, masturbation, rubbing, massage, and so on.
10. Bear: Bears are hairier, heavier (muscular or chubby) gay, bi, and queer men.
11. Cub: A younger bear.
12. Otter: Typically slimmer, less-hairy versions of cubs. Otters often have buzzcuts or shaved heads.
13. Pup/Puppy: This term is often associated with BDSM, but not always. A pup is typically a younger person of any gender/sexual orientation who likes being taken care of or sexually dominated by "handlers" in the fetish scene/lifestyle of puppy play.
14. Pig/Piggy: A gay or bisexual man who prefers bareback (condomless) sex and typically enjoys kinky sex — see the next definition.
15. Kink: A kink is a nontraditional sex practice — that's it. Defining what is traditional (and, by extension, "nontraditional") sex is almost impossible, so suffice it to say that kinks are sex acts that include bondage (see the next definition) and are outside the "vanilla" variety. When talking about the sex I like, I tell guys I have "many kinks," which means there are many things I'm into that fall outside "standard" or "traditional" sex.
16. Fetish: Fetish and fetishes are harder to define, since, colloquially, "kink" and "fetish" are often (mistakenly) used interchangeably. Technically speaking, fetishes are nonhuman objects, feelings, situations, or sensations that stimulate arousal — including the feeling of leather on your skin, the smell of used underwear (or the touching/wearing of used underwear), and the feel/smell/texture of rubber. "Fetish" can also refer to experiences and environments (for example, you may have a fetish for being caught masturbating). The word "fetish" is most commonly applied to nonhuman objects, as in the case of a shoe fetish or foot fetish. Let me help you discern the two terms: "fisting," the sex act of inserting one's hand into an anus to stimulate pleasure, is a kink — a non-traditional sex act. But someone into fisting may also have a fetish for burying their nose in hairy armpits, so they have an armpit fetish. To learn more about these and other terms related to kink, read my kinky terms guide in The Advocate.
17. Poz: HIV-positive gay men who are open about their HIV status. I am a poz gay man.
18. Daddy: An older, financially established gay or bi man who dates, fucks, takes care of, provides emotional support, or does all the above for a younger gay or bi man.
19. Twink: A typically younger, thinner gay man with little or no body hair.
20. Faerie: A queer person (see later definition) who connects with the radical faerie movement and mentality.
21. Queen: Dancefloor diva, someone with sass and attitude. May also refer to a drag queen (watch RuPaul's Drag Race).
22. Discreet: A gay man who is in the closet, on the DL, or moderately private about his sexuality.
23. Leather: The community of people (of all genders and sexual orientations) who have a fondness or fetish for leather gear and are usually into different types of kink and fetish sex, including domination and submission.
24. Chub: Chubby/heavier guys.
25. Jock: Athletic guys who may or may not play sports, but generally enjoy fitness.
26. Sir: The most common, widely known dominant role in kink.
27. Boy: The most common, widely known submissive role in kink.
28. BDSM: An acronym that stands for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism (also: daddy/boy, dom/sub, and sadism/masochism).
29. Queer: A former slur, "queer" has been reclaimed as an all-encompassing word that resists easy, simple definition, and is one that many members of the LGBTQ community identify with. "Queer" is a rejection of the hard parameters of "gay," "straight," and "bisexual" — parameters that many feel are restrictive and overly simplistic. "Queer" has evolved as a self-identifying word meaning "other" and is sometimes favoured by those in our community who reject the gender binary and other social constructs. In recent years, "queer" has also become widely used as a shorthand version of the full "LGBTQ+" acronym, which is now over fourteen letters long.
30. Masc/Femme. These words are shorthand for masculine and feminine.
There are more terms, but these can get you started. I know the terms and labels I fall into. Even if I try to reject them, people classify me with labels the minute I appear in a gay bar, based solely on my body, what I wear, and even who I am friends with. I cannot control that. What matters is the label (or labels) you choose for yourself — the ones you build your identity around. No one has the authority to tell you that your label is wrong.
It is essential to recognise these terms and acknowledge that they are deeply ingrained in our culture. Yes, they can be frustrating, but they are also useful. In kink, for instance, we discover playmates and identify with different fetish communities by labelling—you find someone who shares your interests only by labelling yourself as someone with those interests.
Don’t worry too much about labels. They do not encapsulate the complexity of who you are as a person, and you can always discard your current label for one that fits you better. Labels are tools, not cages—they are to be used only as long as they are useful, and you can always change them.
Love, Beastly