16 Lessons I’ve Learned From Love and Breakups
Hard-won advice on listening, leaving, and learning to love yourself first.
I’m Alexander Cheves, and this is LOVE, BEASTLY—a blog about sex, feelings, and manhood. It’s written mostly for men—gay, straight, bi, MSM, or just curious—but some readers are women, and some don’t fit into categories. Everyone’s welcome here.
This isn’t a Q&A—it’s me sharing my own advice on sex, dating, and connection.
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When you’re in love, there’s a “honeymoon” phase—that perfect, dreamy time before you see someone’s faults and flaws and must decide if you want to stay with them or not. If you’re in the honeymoon phase, great. Relish it. New relationship energy is wonderful. But if you’re there, this post might not be for you.
This post is for those who are a little past “smitten”—anyone looking at their relationship (or relationships) with clearer eyes, or trying to.
These lessons I have learned are hardly novel; they have been written down in various ways by many others. I wrote some of them in the aftermath of my own breakups. I regularly update this list over the years to reflect my changing experience, and I will keep doing so forever—because love lessons never stop.
If you are consistently unhappy, you are probably at the end.
Yes, you could work through it, and many couples try to do that. They stay together to avoid hurt, or for the kids, or because they are just accustomed to the life they have together and can't imagine living another way.
Even so, I do not believe any relationship is worth prolonged unhappiness. All relationships end, one way or another. You will either die or separate.
It is important to remember that humans naturally outgrow each other. You need to be with someone who's right for you now, not someone who was right for you many years ago. You might be unhappy for no specific reason; your unhappiness may, indeed, have nothing to do with your partner. It’s enough to sometimes just need a change.
If you’ve simply outgrown your relationship, that’s no one’s fault. That is a natural part of the process. And who knows? You might just become best friends after this.
Endings are not failures.
Sometimes the ending is the best part. In love, we associate endings with pain, and yes, some heartbreak is warranted. But endings give you the chance to grow again. A breakup can be the best thing for your relationship with someone.
There's no rule saying a breakup means you will stop loving someone or having them in your life. A breakup is just a mutual agreement to end a relationship in its current form. Instead of “breakup,” I like the phrase "de-coupling"—a kind, mutual agreement to separate. De-coupling can be so healthy for your connection with someone. If you’re thinking about it a lot, it's probably time to do it.
People don't belong to people.
This is my favorite line from Breakfast at Tiffany's. A relationship is an agreement to share time with someone. You probably will not share forever with them, but you are choosing to share the present and the foreseeable future with them—always with the understanding that you can stop any time. You do not belong to someone and no one belongs to you. You are just sharing time.
You don't have to date.
This should be obvious, but some people make many mistakes before realizing they want to be single.
Dating is not mandatory. You are allowed to go solo. You can have lots of sex, enjoy your body, and not commit to anyone, if that is what you wish. I will even go a step further and say that you should spend a significant portion of your life single.
Overthinking may be a sign that you need to reconnect with yourself.
When you seem perpetually stressed, volatile, and irritable—when your mind cannot stop spinning, doubting, distrusting, and causing arguments—it’s likely just a sign that you need some more time with yourself.
In meditation, we learn the value of quiet solo time—time to focus on the breath, observe our thoughts, and enjoy some distance from the chaotic, cluttered business of the mind and its daily task-management system. The same principle applies here. Sometimes you need distance from your relationship—space in which you can think, reflect, and reconnect with yourself.
This doesn’t mean you need to break up! But it probably does mean that the amount of time you have with yourself is inadequate. This is espeically challenging for partners who live together and share the same space.
Being around someone else too much can make it hard to listen to yourself and live with your own thoughts; you’re constantly having to live with the thoughts of someone else. Consider taking a solo vacation or moving into separate flats (if you’re urban) or separate bedrooms. Peronsal space and personal time should not be considered a failure of a relationship—in fact, I think it’s very healthy when partners protect their own space and privacy, even to each other, and allowing that space is often, I think, a mandatory feature of long-term relationships (especially, it seems, between men).
Boundaries always matter—even after you’ve been with someone for ten years. Spending too much time with someone you love can make it hard to see when and where a boundary is needed. Cherish your private time.
Everyone wants to date a good listener. Be one.
You will not understand how important it is to listen well until you date someone who really listens and hears what you have to say. From that point on, you will consider good listening skills a hard requirement in a partner.
Be that person for someone else. This means actively listening instead of just waiting for your chance to speak—even when you are hurt and angry. After they finish speaking, pause. Wait. Digest. Absorb. Then speak.
Pauses are good. They support clarity of thought and clarity of words. After a pause, say what you have to say. If you listen actively and pause before speaking, your words will probably be kinder and less likely to prolong a needless fight. Listening well has the remarkable ability to calm the heat of an argument; it’s hard to keep shouting when someone is listening. We tend to shout because we are not being heard.
By this same logic, if the person you’re dating is not a good, kind, patient listener, really ask yourself if that’s something you can endure long-term.
If you want to be a slut, be a slut. That does not mean you have to be single.
Do not let shame, faith, or social mores keep you from enjoying your body. If you want to be a slut while you’re in a relationship, you have to tell your partner. You will need to work out some kind of non-monogamous agreement where you can be a slut and stay together, and if you can’t do that, you should break up.
That’s fine. I promise: slutty hunger wins the battle over monogamy. Maybe not right away, but it will in time. Our animal natures have been with us for the full two million years we've been on this planet, while society's monogamy rule has only been around since the Bronze Age. Sluthood beats duty and faith. Desire wins.
If you prioritize your monogamous relationship over your urge to be a slut, you will probably end up cheating and hurting someone who does not deserve it. Be honest. Say what you need. Figure something out.
And if you're single and want to be a slut, congrats! There is nothing holding you back except your own permission, your own self-judgement. Judge yourself nicely, as a human fulfilling their most fundamental desires. Explore your body, play kindly with others, and don’t be a jerk.
Be honest—no matter what.
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and trust depends on honesty. Learn how to talk about your thoughts and feelings, especially the hard ones. You need to practice doing this, and you won’t get it right at first.
Good communication skills develop over years and—in most cases—over several relationships.
Tell your partner the truth even if you know the truth will hurt them. Tell the truth even if what you say might end your relationship. Tell the truth kindly but without sugarcoating it. Tell the truth as a moral ethic, an unyielding facet of your character, a virtue you personally uphold and believe in. Tell the truth, always.
Sex and love are two different things.
Do not equate them, compare them, or link them as byproducts of each other. Sex is a carnal, physical thing, an animal instinct. Pick any definition of love you want—we've been trying to explain it forever and are still no closer to the truth—but you don't have to look hard for evidence that love can be experienced without sex, and vice versa.
You may have sex with people you love—I hope you do. You may also have sex with people you don't love—I hope you do this, too. You may love people you don't fuck— many do. Love and sex can go together, but they also can (and should) be experienced independently, and you might enjoy these two things with two very different kinds of people.
Jealousy is a normal, healthy human emotion that everyone feels at some point. Talk about it.
When you feel jealous—and you will, at some point—find a way to talk about it with your partner. Unspoken jealousy festers and makes people mean and bitter. Talked-about jealousy becomes non-threatening once it’s out in the open.
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, so treat it as a sign that you (or someone you love) needs reinforcement. Jealousy—when communicated honestly and healthily—is a sign to the other person to do some work to remind their partner that the feelings are still mutual and the relationship is still valued. Jealousy must be talked out, accepted, and not judged. It’s a cue that someone needs love and care.
Every few months, schedule time to have the “Five F” discussion.
The Five Fs stand for Family, Friends, Fucking, Finance, and Feelings. Every few months, sit down and discuss these five things. Total honesty required.
Family: how are you doing with your family? Do you need more time with your family? Less time? Friends: are you spending enough time with your friends? Are there friendships you want to develop more? Are there any friends (particulary of the other person’s) you don’t like or don’t feel good about? Are any friends causing problems in your relationshp that you (or your partner) might not be aware of? Talk it out.
Then, Fucking: do you need more sex? Less? Want to try something different? Want to have sex with someone else? Want to have sex with lots of people?
Finance: not the most exciting conversation, but money has to be talked about. Various statistics show that most couples separate over money problems. Communicate where you are financially and where you’d like to be. What are your goals? What are your partner’s goals? Are there any money problems you need to address? Do you want to work towards a financial goal together? Does anything feel stressful or uneven in how you’re spending money in your relationship?
Do you need financial help? Does your partner need help? Talk it out.
Finally, Feelings: must any grievances be aired? Have your feelings changed? “Feelings” are where anything that hasn’t been brought up in the previous four topics must be brought out. In one past “Five F” conversation, “Feelings” was the part of the talk where I told my then-boyfriend that I was struggling quietly with depression again, and that I needed to see a therapist. Another time, I told a different partner that I was feeling guilty for the fact that I wanted to move to another city, and I wasn’t sure what that meant for us.
My point: “Feelings,” by being broader than the other “F” points, can often be the hardest part of this talk, so it’s best saved for the end.
Discussing these five things every few months will keep your relationship healthy. But the talk itself should be taken quite seriously. The couple I learned this lesson from brings notebooks and pens to their talks and takes notes. They consider this talk vital relationship maintenance, and it’s kept them together for over twenty years.
This may be the conversation where you decide to end things. If that happens, it's a great time to do so. You are sitting down, being calm, and talking honestly about important things every couple should discuss—no shouting, no slammed doors.
The rule of a “Five F” conversation is that there are no repercussions for honesty. If someone says something you don’t like, you don’t get to retaliate angrily. This conversation requires mature level-headeness, an adult’s restraint. If you can do that, this regular conversation every few months will deepen your bond. And if it reveals the fact that it’s time to break up, it will be gentle: hand-holding, hugging, tender unpairing. Everyone deserves a breakup like that.
Choose your own happiness first.
As RuPaul says: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love anyone else?" Here's my version: if you are not happy by yourself, you will not—and cannot—be happy with someone else. Nurture your own happiness, your own relationship with yourself, first. This is the only relationship you can't leave, the only relationship you have to make work. The self-relationship is the most important relationship in your life. You have to put it first.
It’s OK to like different thigns sexually so long as your bond is solid.
People change. Many couples find that, even through their sexual interests were aligned once, they aren’t any more. When that happens, you need to decide if a) you’re adventurous, eager, and willing to try whatever you partner is into now, or b) willing to let them explore their changing sex drive with other people.
If you can’t satisfy your partner’s sexual needs but won’t let them to satisfy their needs with someone else, you’re beaing a bad partner—you are sexually starving them, and that’s cruel.
Sex with other people outside your relationship is most threatening if your loving, romantic bond is not strong. In that case, divergent sexual interests is a good sign that it’s time to separate. But if your bond is strong and solid—if you communicate easily and effectively, even with touchy subjects—you can navigate nonmonogamy together.
Decide on your non-negotiables—everbody has them.
It’s okay to have dealbreakers. I do. Everyone does.
For me, I can’t date someone in the closet. I also can’t date someone strictly monomgaous or politically conservative. My biggest non-negotiable: someone must be 100% unafraid of my HIV status, to the point of indifference. They should barely shrug when I tell them about it. I want it to be such a non-issue that they don’t ask twice.
Everyone has non-negotiables—things they simply can’t abide in a perosn, things they learn to look out for during a first date. Decide what your limits are.
Past traumas will come up in your relationship.
We all experience trauma growing up, and relationships have a way of revealing our trauma to ourselves. Try to see your relationship as a playground where you can figure out your trauma with someone else. This means relationships are not passive things you simply enjoy and experience: they are an active process of self-work.
Observe how you respond to various situations in your relationship, and ask yourself what these responses reveal about how you handle intimacy, how you navigate trust, how you communicate, and what your fears are. Ask your partner for their thoughts and feedback. Ask them what areas you need help on. Listen to what they say.
In a relationship, everyone involved brings their hurt—their painful memories, bad experiences growing up, complicated family histories, and worst experiences—to the playground. See a relationship as a place to play with them and address them.
I’m not saying a partner is automatically obliged to be one’s therapist—and no partner should endure bad behavior, regardless if it comes from past trauma or not. Past trauma does not forgive or pardon hurtful actions in the present, and if you find yourself in a relationship like that, you are not obligated to stay with someone; you should leave them. Everyone needs a therapist (see the following lesson) and you are not obligated to stay and support someone who is emotionally—or, heaven forbid, physically—abusive. If there’s physical violence, leave right now.
I’m just saying that, in a relationship, traumas from the past will unavoidably come up, because relationships trigger things like fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, and various self-protecting mechanisms we learn from traumatic experiences. Part of the good work of dating someone is slowly, gently working through these things. Be ready to. Try to look at yourself with clear eyes, and listen to what your partner says.
Everyone—single and otherwise—needs a therapist.
This advice applies to you, whoever you are, even if you’ve been single most of your life. You need a therapist.
Meeting someone who is already seeing a therapist is a good sign: it means they’re actively working on themselves.
If you’re in a relationship, you will probably need couple’s counseling at some point. Forget the idea that couple’s counseling means something is wrong. On the contrary: it means two people are trying to keep their relationship healthy.
Just as with any professioanal service (you need a dentist to clean your teeth and a doctor when you get sick), you sometimes need a professional to help keep things in your relationship going strong. Everyone needs a therapist at some point.
Love, Beastly